I’d like the chicken-fried steak, please.”
Uh lemme get back to you
*runs to kitchen*
YO WE GOT ANY CHICKENS THAT KNOW HOW TO FRY A STEAK
You Might Also Like
I have $12 in winning lottery tickets in my purse, I might just up and quit my job, today
Clock: oh shit, I am
Me: looks like the clock’s a bit fast
Seekh Kebab
Not attention
[oval office]
SECRETARY: (shrieks) there’s a dead rat on my desk!
PRESIDENT WHO IS A CAT: wow someone must really like you *winks*
How old people make use of canes:
10% walking.
90% shaking & waving at whippersnappers.
St Peter: welcome to the afterlife
me: damn… there’s more?
Murder is legal if it happens after a morning person says “WELL WELL WELLLLLL LOOK WHO FINALLY GOT UP”
Why learn big words when you can fabricaciously inventify them?
Parenting is a lot like a home improvement project. Right after the “This isn’t so bad” phase comes the “I should call someone who knows what they’re doing” phase.
Me: yeah I have a girlfriend, but she lives in a different country
Friend: what country
Me: um… Iceland
Friend: what’s her name
Me:
Friend:
Me: um… Coldy
me: we should tell our son he’s adopted
wife: but he isn’t
me: I know but I’m bored
[being pulled from a burning car]
fireman: any idea how it started?
me: I used my keys
My mom used to feed me soap as a reward for saying bad words.
6y/o: Mommy, do you know what a Ouija board is?
Me: Yes.
6y/o: Let’s get one so we can talk to you later.
[being carried out of the zoo on a stretcher] not all hyenas are scared of the name Mufasa, I know this now
Before we have sex, please select every image that contains a bicycle.
The inventor of the wooden spoon: this will change cooking forever
Italian Mothers: I can’t wait to hit my kids with this
“I’m dreaming about mashed potatoes”
Oh because Thanksgiving is tomorrow
“No, just a normal mashed potato dream like usual”
Anyone else see a huge missed opportunity here?
When you see a picture of my kids and it’s captioned “The reason I wake up every day” it’s not me being sweet. It’s the truth, I literally cannot sleep-in with these little heathens in the house.
When I die, instead of being cremated or buried, I’d like my body to be thrown out of a tree onto a group of teens
INTERVIEWER: describe yourself with one adjective
ME: [from left side of room] pendulous
INTERVIEWER: huh?
ME: [from right side of room] you heard me
when i wake up with no”good morning baby” text 😡
Just heard a woman ask if she left her teeth over there
Really hoping this is Halloween related
To me the most romantic part about having a crush on someone is when instead of just telling them, your anxiety just makes you act increasingly more unhinged in conversation until you both hate you 🥰🥰🥰
Left a plaster cast of my mouth at the bakery so they know exactly how big to bake the cupcakes
The worst thing about wearing a turtleneck is not being able to get up off of your back if you fall over.
Trying to convince my wife I said “adieu,” instead of “I do,” at our wedding, but she’s not buying it.
“Still too cold… Still too cold…”
“Screw it, I can’t be late again.”