I’m no auto mechanic but I’m pretty good at letting people who drive behind me know whether or not they need new brakes
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[Hall of Justice]
Aquaman: How do you expect me to ignite the TNT below Kaiser’s floating fortress?
Waterproof Match Man: Maybe I can help.
[Plastic surgeon’s office]
Duck: this is bullshit! *flies out window*
Secretary: what the hell was that?
Plastic Surgeon: He was upset about his bill
If you are considering buying some guy’s program that promises to make you rich in the stock market or real estate, ask yourself why does the guy need to make money off of selling you a program if he’s figured out how to get rich in the stock market or real estate?
PATIENT: Someone gave me pills at a party and my stomach hurts
DR: We took x-rays. You have spongy dinosaurs expanding inside you right now
5 [falls down playing in creek]: ow my leg! Dad I need a Band-Aid!
Me: You’re not bleeding, Band-Aids are for when we bleed
5: I neeeeeeed one!
Me [sighing and preparing for placating, goes to put Band-Aid on leg]
5: not there! On my arm!
Me: Open your mouth, and close your eyes, and get ready for a big surprise.
5yo: Yum! A chocolate chip!
Me: Haha you just ate poison.
5yo: Quick. Give me the antelope!
He said I was sent from above, but I wasn’t sure if he meant angelic, or shit out of a bird.
FIRST KID: I’d rather not medicate her.
SUBSEQUENT CHILDREN: *Googles, “How much Benadryl will make her sleep for three days straight?”*
white people writing latinos in fics: i kissed my ten brothers and sisters goodbye and stepped out of my pueblo on the way to school. i blast gasolina in my headphones as i walk past the mariachi band. sometimes it’s hard para me to creer because i olvidar a switch languages
dear teenage me, it’s the future. no flying cars but you will write jokes on a telephone. no don’t kill yourself it’s actually pretty fun
How Vaccines Work 🧫🧬🦠💉 (everyone needs to watch this)
this kangaroo looks like it smells like AXE body spray
my dad when a sex scene comes on
a fun thing to say if someone asks you if you want to hold their baby is “no thanks im trying to quit”
(during sex)
Technically, a comedy starring Mitt Romney could be a RomCom as well.
I turned out ok for someone essentially raised by Bugs Bunny.
Someone you know may commit a crime today. If carefully managed, you can add in some of your own stuff.
Interviewer: your resume is very impressive, but what would you say is your biggest weakness
Me: lying on my resume probably
I’m taking my niece and nephew to the corn maze today. If I can’t lose them there, I’ll try the mall again.
*Buys Samsung smart fridge. Opens app every 15 minutes to see if there’s anything good in there*
*At Super Bowl Party*
Hey baby, they’ve got a WHOLE bunch of shrimp here, did you bring the big purse?
It’s all fun and games until a metal flask falls out of your car in the church parking lot.
Can someone Venmo me $74,000?
I’ll take you camping.
My report card always said I was not living up to my full potential. Well, the joke’s on them. That really was as good as I was going to get
A truck just flipped a dead squirrel onto my windshield and it’s stuck in my wiper.
I guess I don’t have to stop to get supper tonight.
ME: hey buddy you should wear a mask
CLARK KENT: but the glasses have been working fine
Customers love saying “I’ll have one of these” while pointing at a sign I can’t see.
Not sure if you’ll like golf? Walk on a treadmill for four hours under a sun lamp then throw away $75 when you’re done.
PERSONAL TRAINER: How’s your nutrition?
ME: *dipping my burrito into custard* Not going to lie. It’s been worse.
The GF goes away for 10 days, *shits going to get wild
* sleeps in middle of bed