drinking a crystal pepsi! finally found something i have absolutely zero feelings about, positive or negative. at least with drywall or the milwaukee brewers there’s negligible level of residual opinion. this one is just a total flatline. it’s kind of nice. ah shit i messed it up
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I don’t give a damn what the horoscopes say, get you a girl born in February. Amethyst is one of the cheaper birthstones and if you play your cards right you can do one of those Birthday-Valentine’s Day combo celebrations.
The washing machine broke so I had to wash my undies in the river. As a bonus, 3 catfish floated to the top afterwards, so dinner is served!
My grandma got this digital frame that all the family can remotely upload pics. I’m thinking of flooding it with John Wick pictures.
*at divorce court
Me: She hasn’t touched Mr. Peppy in 10 years, your Honor.
Judge: I’m sorry – What??
Her: I win, right?
[ walking down the soap and detergent isle at the store ]
14: it smells like chores in here
I’m a mom; hear me repeat myself.
I’m a mom; hear me repeat myself.
me: want to go hunting this weekend?
friend: sure i’m game.
me: oh then you probably shouldn’t come.
“Why is this food more expensive than it was this morning”
“Sir this is a Wendy’s”
“Everything the light touches is ours,” I tell my son while opening the fridge.
(Family Reunion)
Me: …and the real loud guy who keeps talking with his mouth full?
Wife: That’s Murray…He’s my cousin once removed.
Me: Any chance we can remove him again?
Hubs: You’re home all day, why isn’t the house clean?
Me: You’re at work all day, why aren’t we rich?
Hubs: Touché
You sure about that?
I don’t have a spirit animal. I have a judgemental chicken that’s followed me around my whole life shaking its head disapprovingly.
Nothing says “I’m stubborn” like owning a BlackBerry in 2013.
*washes up on a deserted island
*no wifi
*swims back out to sea
11yo: Mom, can you look at the sky? It looks flat.
Me: That’s because it’s not real. You’re in the Matrix & they’ve got a second rate programmer on tonight.
11: Never mind.
My husband: (from the other room) Can you give me an update?
Me: Um, can you be more specific?
Husband: Let’s focus on this week
Me: Ok, so I’m trying a different dish soap because-
Him: (peeks head in) Can you please stop that? I’m on a work call.
My boss: hey you got a sec?
Me: I have all the secs
Boss: what?
Me: what?
TSA agent: Ma’am you’re alarming in your abdomen.
Me, starving: You can hear that?!?
Them: …
Me: …
Them: It’s the drawstrings on your pants.
Me: They’re hungry too?!?
The movie theatre: No outside food or candy allowed
Me:
this weather app on my phone says i can see for 10 miles. *chucks glasses in the trash*
My dog must think that the mailman just can’t take a hint
Neighbor was watering her plants as if they owed her money like how would YOU like to be waterboarded lady
*email notification*
“Ooh, who’s this from?”
– Me reading an email I sent to myself literally 7 seconds ago to remind me to do something.
Me: Hey guys! What did Dad serve for dinner while I was gone?
My kid: (with a blue mouth) chicken nuggets and Play Doh
They say to “dress for the weather you want” so anyways I’m freezing today and metaphors are hard.
My husband: It’d be nice to have a wife who cooked dinner.
Me: ooo!! Can we get one?
Wonders if chickens do the funky people.