Hey all,
I regret to admit this, but tonight I took my kids on a walk.
From their intense whining I have come to see that I caused them deep distress by exposure to sunshine, breeze, and friendly waves from neighbors.
Forgive me—I will do better next time.
~a dad, trying
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Me: This is a picture of my aunt Marge… Rest in peace.
Friend: I’m so sorry for your loss.
Me: Oh, she’s not dead, she’s just really lazy.
You never know how fast you can run until the parents yell, “the last to reach the bus will volunteer as a volunteer parent at school”.
4 made me pay 50 million to watch her gymnastics show then she did a roly poly, kicked me in the face and yelled at me for sitting too close do not recommend
Legend has it if u whisper IKEA 3x in the mirror an extra screw will appear & you’ll be haunted by the piece of furniture you ill-assembled.
I forgot the word “umbrella” so I offered to share my roof on a stick.
The camera adds 10 pounds. The front facing iPhone camera adds 437 pounds.
so deep in her Instagram story I accidentally liked an ad for a Toyota
Others: if you want your house to smell like xmas take a pot of water & add sliced oranges,cinnamon sticks, vanilla, peppercorns, cranberries, forage for 3 pine branches and simmer all day
Me: lights xmas candle
I guess my package was delivered by Disney animals
I just switched my phone to airplane mode and a small child appeared and started kicking me in the back.
My daughter said I was too old for over-the-knee boots so I bought two pair and told her she was too young to borrow them.
“Am I as bored as you are?” can be read backwards and still make sense.
I was watching this YouTube video about “housecleaning before Christmas.” It’s very similar to housecleaning.
Extremely relatable.
[job interview]
-Describe yourself to me in one word.
-poor
Only in Canada during a winter storm will you see kids playing road hockey.
me: *accidentally cuts off a car while merging*
[20 minutes later]
me: *tapping on their window as they shift to park in their driveway* hey is everything ok between us
Sometimes it’s not about missing someone, it’s about reloading and trying again.
Interviewer: Are you good at staying calm in stressful situations?
Me: I’m not good at staying calm in relaxing situations.
If dolphins are so smart why do they still live in the water
I left this letter from ‘Management’ on the doors of an apartment complex
*I sit bolt upright in bed, drenched in sweat*
HER: Did you have the zombie nightmare again?
ME: (thinking about the time everybody sang ‘happy birthday’ to me and I accidentally joined in) Yes
I found a pair of black rimmed glasses in my purse and they’re not mine and I’m worried Superman won’t be able to turn back into Clark Kent without them.
Me: what word would you use?
Interviewer: I’ve just never seen “higgledy-piggledy” on a resume before
Crying is a sign of leakness.
I am looking forward to 6pm Thanksgiving Day when Walmart opens its doors for its annual sale of trampled human corpses.
A werecoyote can only be killed with a silver anvil.
My son said, “If you had to lose one sense, what would it be?” Without missing a beat, my daughter said taste. Which would have been fine had we not been eating the dinner that I made.
I don’t date men unless they have tentacles. It’s called having standards.
[bank heist]
leader: ok everyone put on your balaclavas
me: *looks down at box of freshly baked baklava* i think i’ve made a mistake