They say you should throw out anything you haven’t used in six months. There goes the vacuum!
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gf: remember, my dad’s really into sports, so talk to him about that
me: will do
[later, meeting girlfriend’s parents]
me: so, sir, jen tells me you’re really into sports
her dad: that’s right
me: why
As your goth coworker, I will change all “Out of order” signs to “Haunted” signs. Sorry, you can’t use that printer- it’s haunted.
I’d buy a lot more exercise pants if they were called eating pants.
[at a restaurant]
me: i think i misread your tinder bio
squirtle: squirtle.
WIFE: Whatcha thinking about?
ME: *thinking about how penguins could probably fly if they just believed in themselves more* Just work stuff
Girls are suckers for a sad story so I always told them about my dad leaving us on my 8th birthday. I leave out the part where he returned with my cake.
It wasn’t chocolate so…still sad.
Nothing more humbling than being at a karaoke birthday party with a bunch of singers.
Remember the days we could get out of bed without looking like a newborn pony trying to walk?
Good times.
Me: I’m a mature adult woman who can handle anything
Also me: *has to pack my blankie wherever I go or I can’t sleep*
Whenever I see a Toyota Prius pulled over for speeding the first thing I look for is a ACME rocket mounted on the roof.
I didn’t realize how much of parenting is yelling “It’s not a touchscreen!”
I hate when I drop my chili cheese dog in my car and then I have to eat my whole car.
Pretty certain I can more drunk
Me: *quits life and moves into a pillow fort*
Them: You need to live in the present.
Me: *covers fort in wrapping paper*
When you go to the gynecologist on Halloween they use a spookulum.
*brings pen to sword fight*
Me: ‘This ending kinda writes itself.’
Me: But what about the time I saw 9 sets of footprints in the sand?
Jesus: Hey man it’s a public beach
My favorite drinks are coffee, whisky & ranch dressing.
My villain origin story is seeing the Twitter ad for the dog pooping toothpaste 1000 times in a day and finally snapping.
I’ve been waxing my car for twenty years and I still don’t know karate.
A Facebook group named “Humans Against Herd Behavior” was created yesterday. So far, 10,000 people have joined the group.
Australia: geologist beaten up by “angriest octopus” on beach
Any time someone says “have you seen that YouTube video?”
I always say yes……… Because otherwise they make you watch it on their phone
Don’t underestimate me. I’ve got that covered.
Him: Amazon Prime and chill?
Her: That’s not something people say.
Him: Sure it is. Bing it.
Her: Also not a thing.
I establish dominance by setting my 8 layer dip next to your 7 layer dip at your party.
me: [tied to a chair] i’ll never talk
terrorist: we’re gonna make you step in wet
me: what
terrorist: with sock
me: no
My wife let me remove all her clothes last night.
From the dryer.
Don’t say you want a girl who’s “funny and spontaneous” if you’re gonna panic when I knock on your window late at night, dressed as a clown.