*uses Oujia board*
SMELLS LIKE UPDOG
me: what’s updog?
NOT MUCH, DOG, JUST ABOUT TO POSSESS YOUR CAT
me: what
cat: what
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Fun Fact: rock lobsters are easily identified by the tiny electric guitar they hold in their claws
Everyone at Thanksgiving table:
Me: Wait I thought you said bring a side piece
I turned on my computer and it went “Word” and I was like “Yo”.
I’ve touched enough cacti to know they are sharp but also not enough to stop touching cacti.
[Block Party]
Me: The Johnsons brought hotdogs.
Host: Just toss them on the fire.
[Later]
Host: Why are the hotdogs still frozen?
Me: Good news! We won’t have to worry about the Johnsons playing loud music at night!
Twitter announced today that they’ve lost 134 million dollars this year. I don’t know if they want us to look for it or what the deal is.
Me: ‘Anyway, I think the songs here are just kinda made up and pretty terrible.’
Priest: ‘This isn’t how confession works.’
Murderer: What are you in for?
Her: Licking ice cream.
Murderer: That had better be a euphemism.
This afternoon a crew of men were installing Christmas lights on a house down the street. The next thing I hear is a boy yelling, “It’s not Decemberrrrrr!!”
That’s how I knew my son was home from school.
ME: I wonder why you have to disclose if someone died in a house you’re selling, but not a car
COUPLE NO LONGER BUYING MY CAR: we can walk from here, I think
Being a mom means always wondering where that pee smell came from
Me: So, hypothetically speaking, if we were dating would I get any free food?
Her: Uh, excuse me?
Me: *sigh* #1 combo with cheese, please.
The second cup of coffee does for me what a can of spinach does for Popeye.
Nancy Drew and the mystery of the seven minute stroller nap delaying bedtime by two hours
I’m not naked I’m wearing a hair tie, officer
sad day today because:
1. my fish in the aquarium is missing.
2. my cat won’t eat his dinner.
It’s almost like someone got the entire past year wet and fed it after midnight.
HER: I like talking during sex, but I can’t stand it when you narrate the whole thing
ME: As she complains, I begin removing my pants slowly
Husband: What kind of toothpaste should I get?
Me: Sensitive, strengthening, whitening, tartar control, plaque removing, deep clean, breath freshening, complete protection, with baking soda.
Husband: So get the blue stuff?
Me: Yes.
Cop: License and registration, please.
Me: Sure, can you hold my beer?
I got a 20% pay rise this year. Not from my employer; they couldn’t afford to give pay rises after the big bosses got their bonuses. I just stopped doing any work on the one day a week I work from home.
Her: So when you said you were going to make me happy using just your mouth…
Me: *putting down microphone* BEATBOXING IS A GIFT SARAH
Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom
…but it’s just me attempting to recover silverware from my teenage son’s bedroom.
My son asked why some mommies and daddies live in different houses, so I sat him down and told him the truth… their kids complained about slow WiFi and never went to bed on time.
“Is there really a fire? Prove it.” -Mrs. Doubtfire
I want to follow a random family around Disneyland for a day and just be in the background of all of their photos.
i hate when my friend starts dating an idiot and i have to be like how could you bring this man into our lives
[dies, meets god]
explain Florida
I don’t usually talk to strangers but when I do its because I’m at the zoo and someone called a tortoise a turtle.
You know how sometimes girls wear fake glasses because they think it makes them look cute? I’m going to wear a fake monocle so people will think I’m evil