using AI to expand this shot in Fast & Furious 6 and achieve the filmmakers true vision 😌🙏
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“Look, I’m just saying that maybe adding a little vodka might be good for business.”
-me, to these kids running this lemonade stand
Me: I think my back is hurt, I can barely get out of bed.
14: Oh that’s too bad. Can you take me to get an iced coffee?
Sam Neill and Jeff Goldblum are perfect
[6 ½ hour car ride]
Me: I’m so sick of sitting I can’t sit anymore.
Also Me: *gets home and immediately sits on couch*
[First day at the fortune cookie factory]
Me: Boss, I got this order for 10k cookies boxed and ready to go.
Boss: That’s Incredible, it’s normally a week long job!
Me: Yeah, I worked real hard because you left me all these inspirational little notes.
[My Last day at the factory]
I heard my 4yo bump her knee on the coffee table and went over to kiss her boo-boo, like she usually asks me to do, but she said she kissed it herself and was feeling all better.
And now I’m jealous of my 4yo’s coping skills.
I expect 8 to defy me, but my wife telling him to “SWEEP THE LEG!” is uncalled for.
wife: Don’t be an idiot
me: IT’S NOT A CHOICE, SARAH
If video games really made people violent, I would be jumping on every turtle I saw.
May you never be as bored as whoever figured out that holding a seashell to your ear sounds like the ocean
The most important thing you will ever learn is the very real difference between glossy and shiny.
Why does the bad guy always have to know some form of martial art? Why cant they just throw stuff while screaming “stay away from me!”
I put my pants on just the same as everyone else…
With one hand, so I don’t have to sit my phone down.
For a cat named Jingles, his tambourine accompaniment to my blistering bongo solo isn’t that impressive.
All I’m saying is that just once it’d be nice for the cat to be the one pointing the laser for me to chase.
[slips the bus driver £20]
“Maybe you let me ride the bus for free?”
Brain: Let’s play a game.
Me: What?
Brain: Remember where you parked before the ice cream melts.
Me: Fuuuuu……
I always look for the best looking cashier at the supermarket and always end up at the self checkout lane
Noah’s wife: the ark is falling apart
Noah: glue might work, I have an idea
Horse: it’s weird he brought 3 of us
There’s so much pollen in the air covering everything with a blanket of yellow dust that I thought my wife went blonde.
Thank goodness I have subtitles on, otherwise how would I know there is sinister cackling
BREAKING: Epstein autopsy reveals his teeth had become piano keys, consistent with death by piano drop
Cigarettes that help you quit chewing gum.
ALIEN: take me to ur leader
ME: ok
[later at zoo]
A: wtf
M: a lemur
A: I said leader
M: well ur ship is so loud I couldn’t hear a damn thing
A ghost story
When I can’t barge, I careen.
Person: I saw an eagle on my hike today.
Me: Was it Don Henley?
My attachment style is PDF which is why older people don’t know how to get me to open up half the time
interviewer: the job starts at 30k but in a year you’ll be making $40k
me: *gets up* ok see you then
Me: mmm daddy, all up in there
Priest: it’s “our father who art in heaven”