Very funny, think he has a bet on a horse 馃槀
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Whatcha eating over there? It sounds crunchy.
Hannibal Lecter: Doritoes
Whack a mole is not a conventional dermatological treatment method.
He wants my carcasses apparently.
I think autocorrect won that round.
My kid just said good nightmare instead of goodnight, so no, I will not be sleeping this evening.
How many colors and shades is it okay to just call white?
Men: 58
Women: 1
Guys only want one thing and it鈥檚 to lick your Himalayan salt lamp when you鈥檙e not looking.
[cat potluck]
Mittens: so everyone brought a bird again but no plates, that鈥檚 just great
This is the last week you can threaten to cancel Christmas if your kids don鈥檛 do what you say; use it wisely.
My cat had been housebound for two weeks after beating up another cat in that cat鈥檚 house. I let her out yesterday just to see if she was ready to be a law abiding citizen. She went straight to go beat up that cat again 馃檭 she鈥檚 back inside indefinitely
I drove by two different First Baptist churches today.
One of them is lying.
Me: *trying to get comfortable on your wicker chair* I wonder if this is what sitting on shredded wheat feels like.
hitman: [about to jump out of my closet]
me: [walks in wearing nothing but a cowboy hat] alexa play dancing queen
hitman:
My boyfriend is watching Glee voluntarily and tapping his foot and smiling. That makes me a lesbian now, right?
[science fair]
Judge: each contestant is scored on 5 factors with the highest being the winner
Me: long sandwiches should have suitcase handles
Judge: ok you’re definitely the highest
Girls like guys who take charge: ask her out, plan a date, take a hostage, overthrow a government, nuke her ex’s hometown, buy her a puppy.
I didn’t know when your wedding was because you spelled out the date and time like a goddamn medieval sorcerer.
@DaddyJew @funTweeters
Alarm: I have boyfriend
I don’t care if you’re 30 or 50, sometimes I’ll flirt with you.
-“I’m 21.”
Omg eww, get away from me!
Martha Stewart: Good wrapping should only require three pieces of tape
Pivo: Bad wrapping can also only use three pieces of tape
“I’ve led you this far so the LEAST you can do is drink, dammit!”
Adulthood is leaving the house, then two minutes later try to remember whether you locked the front door.
“I don’t think we should see each other anymore.”
*turns off lights*
*giggles*
You know, my dream for gaming is where in one game you’ll shoot someone and then during a game of say Fifa you’ll see their son crying
[doing crossword]
Me: I’m looking for a word that means slight pause
Her: Hiatus?
Me: *erasing ‘our sex life’* thanks
Who tf be hiding shrimp in their socks?
murderer: *stabbing me*
me: 馃檪
murderer: doesn’t it hurt?
me: i’m used to it i have a cat :’)
Fwiw it’s worth I’ve never assumed that Popeye was human, I believe he is a weird shaved animal that sorta-talks ?
I just wish I had the confidence of my husband who thinks everything only takes 5 minutes.
I could never be in the mob.
The only gun I like is a glue gun. Is there a crafting mafia?
Maybe I鈥檒l start one.
*blows glitter in your eye*
Never go against the family.
If you hit an iceberg, you’ll know because Celine Dion will start playing