Want to know what I want with you? It starts with S, has an E in it and I want lots of it
Space.
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Many people are surprised to hear I’m married because I scream it at them as I descend from their broken skylight in the dead of night.
Monica just destroyed the internet
Sometimes I think my crossfit instructor is a truly great guy who is helping us improve ourselves and sometimes I think he’s a sadist who conned us into giving him money to do burpees
*running from cops*
Me: hey wait hold up if we’re gonna do this i really should be wearing my fitbit
Cop: yeah me too good idea
My best friend just ask me to be her maid of honor. What did I ever do to her???
My superpower is hiding takeout containers from the food that I take credit for cooking.
Does your cat do that thing where he refuses to eat the stale bowl bikkies so you take the bowl up to the kitchen counter and shake it around a bit and then they think you’ve swapped it out for fresh bikkies and they happily crunch it up ehehehe what a tiny idiot
Barber: Snip snip snip snip snip.
Me: What are you doing?
Barber: I’ve lost my scissors and I was hoping I could trick you into thinking I was cutting your hair by saying snip.
Me: I can see you in the mirror.
[2005, youtube’s first pitch meeting]
ok so basicaly its like if america’s funniest home videos was on 24 hrs a day on evrey computer–
SOLD
January 29, 1802, 2 AM: I hope this letter finds you well. Are you up?
March 2: I am, good sir
April 6: Would you kindly come over?
May 9: K
My husband and I got in a fight and I was certain I had the last word until we went to bed and he started snoring
My toxic trait is telling people I’m down for anything when in reality I mean not after 8 pm, food should be involved, and it also depends on the weather, the parking situation, and how tired I am
My Chihuahua every time someone knocks on the door
I WANT NERVOUS CHAIR!!!!!!!!!!!!
Sometimes you have to stop tweeting to have an alibi for ignoring texts.
Me want titty. Me don’t want to touch, me want to suck. You have titty? TWO TITTIES? OM NOM NOM NOM NOM NOM.
Sometimes I deliberately forget to use dryer sheets so my husband can go to work with my panties stuck to his shirt.
I had day surgery today (nothing big) and they were like “don’t make any important decisions in the next 24 hours bc you might not remember them.” But I had to go grocery shopping. Later Morgan was like “you bought … so much, like a lot, of cheese.”
[alien wobbles out of spacecraft]
“Take me to your leader”
[30 minutes later]
Me: So, this is my wife…
At this point the only way a handsome man’s ever going to chase me through an airport is if I steal his bag off the carousel.
You can’t change a person unless they wear adult diapers
me: just tell me I don’t die in an Arby’s bathroom stall
Death: [sadly looking up from his book] look, what matters is how you lived
I wonder if the people who camp out in front of stores for Black Friday sales realize there are online sales too.
My pappy died in the sea. Not even his old chum could save him. In fact, that’s exactly what brought the sharks in the first place
*pounds fist twice on chest*
*kisses two fingers*
*throws peace sign & nods head at DJ*I don’t know what I just did, but we should leave.
I could probably survive about a week in the wilderness eating only the food I spill on my shirt any given day.
8am: eats healthy breakfast
12pm: eats healthy lunch
6pm: eats healthy dinner11pm: rips open bag of chips with teeth & straps it on like a feedbag
I dropped my ice cream cone on the ground and it landed pointy end up which made the Earth, at least for a moment, one giant topping.
My cat likes to meow at me a lot. I like to meow back at him.
Sometimes when I meow back he stops meowing and I worry that I might have insulted his mum or something
The closest I’ve come to mastering a martial art is figuring out how to wash my feet in the shower