virus: humans are only worried about aliens destroying the world. they totally underestimate usš¤
coronavirus: i got this
[later]
virus: so did you make them fear and respect us?
coronavirus: no they had a trip to disneyland they didnāt wanna cancel
You Might Also Like
I had a dream that I was fighting Jason Bourne, Will Hunting and Tom Ripley.
After months of therapy I’m finally battling my Damons.
I don’t like labels, but I suppose “evil genius” fits about as well as any.
Today I used bath oil for the first time. I am trying to get out of the bathtub for an hour now. Please send help.
LOOOOOOL
doctor: iām sorry but you only have a few more years left to live
me: oh my god. youāre lying
doctor *shows me a chart of global warming* i am not
A person’s true character is revealed when the shrimp tray comes out at a party.
I consider myself reasonably intelligent but I cannot process How to Play Complex Board Games. You all sound like, “and then if you roll a level-up glitter cabbage you get 6.5 ergometric points, which can be used every 4th turn as long as no one has zorped the Cones of Dunshire”
Just walked past a bin man struggling to get a wheelie bin to connect to the bin lorry. He said ācome on, you silly sodā to the bin. Struck me as very British. We talk to inanimate objects like theyāre frustrating mates. I called my oven hob a ābloody idiotā yesterday.
Christmas note to self: too much tequila makes tinsel look tasty.
i am developing a ground brekaing new app called “MOneyWallet”, where you earn “Money Points” by mailing cash to my house
Worst Native American name ever.
Itās never too late to accomplish things you never thought you could. Iām 46 years old and just set a personal record for vertical leap when I saw my own reflection in the mirror and jumped like a cat
A teacher is always just one loud fart away from losing control of a classroom.
“Easy like Sunday morning” implies that Sunday is the most sexually promiscuous day of the week.
Sunday, slutty Sunday.
Alway be nice to anyone that has full unhindered access to your toothbrush.
Schrƶdinger’s cat wasn’t so special. I’m both alive and dead inside 24/7.
They didn’t leave much room for new models when they called it the ‘ULTRA-Sound’. “Mr Sutherland, I’ll book you in for a Sonic-Boom”
idea for a movie:
a bear who is a parent
captures a psychotherapist
to cook as dinner for the cubs
and the movie is called
(and iām very very sorry)
ākids, i honeyed the shrinkā
*putting all my eggs in one basket and singing about itā carry yolky
Her: WHAT?!
Him: *stops walking around* I said, do you like my new shoe horns?
my dad has had enough
What inspires you to get out of bed every day? For me, it’s my bladder mostly
[dracula slapping mosquito]
holy shit that really IS annoying
*first date*
Him: You have a very defined jawline.
Me: Thanks! I chew a lot.
Secret hideout busted…šš¾šš
My 7 year old: *staring at my face*
Me: What is it, sweetie?
My 7 year old: Is my nose weird, too?
Kids are delightful.
Iām prepared for anything, as long as it isnāt hard or boring or scary
[laying in bed]
Wife: Iād rather chew on aluminum foil while listening to Nickelback
Me: …a simple, āI have a headacheā wouldāve been fine
It’s very sexy when a man leans over and whispers in your ear. Especially when they say things like, “I saved you some cake.”
When the boss says you have five minutes for lunch.