What have you done…ππΎπ₯΄
Sound On..ππ
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Every day of school:
Me: WAKE UP WAKE UP WAKE UP
Kids:
Me: WAKE UP WAKE UP WAKE UP5 AM, every weekend:
Kids [standing by my bed]: We’re bored.
It was when he said no nunchucks in the kitchen that I knew our relationship was doomed
Your body is a temple. Mine is a graveyard.
God: [making trees]
Trees: yay
God: [making beavers]
Trees: nonononono
[after dinner]
Mugger: gimme your wallet.
Me: can I keep my drivers license?
Mugger: fine.
Me: [velcro sound].
Mugger: I canβt be seen with that.
Me: oh.
Mugger: gimme your shoes instead.
Me: [velcro sound].
Mugger: you know what forget it.
Ordered a pizza. Delivery guy and I talked for 45 minutes about swords and he got fired. Now he lives here, we’re gonna fight crime together
Very sad to hear about Nigel Farage. Nothing’s happened to him, I’m just sad to hear about him.
I suspected my marriage was in trouble when I’d meet my husband for dinner then we would both race home to make out with the babysitter.
Firing squad leader: Any last words?
Me: I’d like to thank my arms for always being by my side haha
Firing squad leader: ok we’re gonna somehow try to kill you twice
9: Why are you hitting that spider?
wife: I don’t like spiders
me: Ooooh *grabs newspaper*
mother-in-law [leaving] I don’t have to take this
Boss: Stop copy and pasting responses from previous emails
Me: sounds good
Sent from my iPhone
Sent from my iPhone
Today my son put on a new roll of toilet paper for the very first time. He is 19.
Establish dominance by bringing a Squatty Potty to a business meeting
Me : It’s over & nothing you say will make me change my mind
Him : ‘I just ordered a large thin crust’
Me : Be there in 10 min
me: *filling my plate with a heaping pile of mashed potatoes*
brain: THIS IS PORTION CONTROL PUT THE SERVING SPOON DOWN WE REPEAT PUT TH
me: *goes radio silent*
How is it still this week?
[shopping]
My Son: This chair will hold up to 300 pounds!
Me: Why did you look at me when you said that?
What idiot called it a witch hunt and not the War on Seance?
The husband came home from work, handed me a package and said βI bought you a new toilet seat.β
I took the package and said βyay!β without sarcasm.Sincerely,
18 years of marriage.
ME: babe i don’t think the acid we dropped is working
GIANT BLUE OX: are you sure
[Picasso’s Blue Period]
Picasso: holy shit, call a gynecologist
Sometimes when my kids are following me around the grocery store, I walk in circles around things to test their loyalty.
“Fed-Ex is coming to kill us all!” ~my dog
“I’m taking condiments in a bold new direction” I whisper as I squeeze a tube of toothpaste on my hot dog. The dentists all cheer for me.
why am I working on Labor Day
Italian mafia fugitive caught after posting cooking show on YouTube
a deranged scientist in every rickety old house on top of every hill on the outskirts of every town. that’s my promise, should i be elected
Me: Iβm not delusional.
Squirrel: There she goes again.
Puts all the toys my kids forgot they had in their Easter basket
got kicked out of a morgue for promoting body positivity