Send a DM to your twitter crush saying “My flight gets in at 6am on Thursday” and see how they react.
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My husband: Can I ask a really stupid question
Me: More than anyone I know
The cats can open doorknobs now literally the only thing keeping them here is that they can’t reach the gas pedal in the car.
Bill is short for Billiam
Watching the Olympics I was inspired to get back out running as I’ve put quite a bit of timber on. Pulled a muscle trying to pull up my running socks. The mrs hasn’t stopped laughing
Once I tried to rescue this kitten stuck in a tree only it wasn’t a kitten it was an owl and he was, like…he was fine there.
My son forged my signature on a note from his teacher. I’m his teacher.
The moon’s water broke. You know what that means?
Baby Moon.
Girlfriend: “I regret getting you that blender for your birthday”
Me drinking a pop tart: “why??”
Sorry for shouting “go go gadget personality” while you were speaking. Please, continue.
having a teenager is fun because food that was in the kitchen when I went to bed is no longer there when I wake up.
5-year-old: I’ll stop asking you to take our family to Disneyland
Me: You finally understand we can’t afford it
5: You should just send me
The dog ate my unified theory of the universe.
If I ever get married, I’m not wearing white. Nothing to do with the whole virginity thing, and everything to do with being a sloppy eater.
“No man is an island.”
– someone with a basic grasp of land forms and human biology
Accidentally played dad instead of dead when I encountered a bear and now it can ride a bike without training wheels.
My husband likes a hot breakfast on Sunday, so I lit his cornflakes on fire.
Turducken – Noun – The act of avoiding monkey projectiles.
A dollar doesn’t go as far as it used to.
Dollar (out of breath): Screw you.
Women would be all over Bruce Wayne if he showed them the bat cave, but when I say… “hey wanna check out this cave under my house?”…. I get karate chopped
My IUD provides me with 99% birth control effectiveness, but my husband’s dirty socks on the floor comes in at an impressive 100%.
I used to be sad about the climate apocalypse but i went on a few dates and, honestly, i’m ready now
The problem w marriage is communication. When I said I hoped he’d go down in a plane I meant more crash & burn, less on the flight attendant
[opens treasure chest & it’s full of treasure]
Me: whoa
Friend: what is it?
Me [slowly closing chest]: spiders
[god creating jellyfish]
how bout an evil bag
After the machine uprising, robots in the club will dance “The Human” by compulsively overeating and playing with their phones on the toilet
Mechanic: Your car won’t pass inspection.
Me: Here’s $20 to look the other way.
Mechanic [looking the other way]: Your car won’t pass inspection.
my glass coffin company “remains to be seen” is not doing as well as i thought it would.
Why do Americans choose from just two people to run for president and 50 for Miss America?
This milk is so far past its expiration date that I’m only going to have a small slice.
Yesterday CNN reported that “sitting will kill you, even if you exercise” and I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but living will kill you.