Send a DM to your twitter crush saying “My flight gets in at 6am on Thursday” and see how they react.
You Might Also Like
Me: Another bucket of wine please.
Waiter: You mean a new bottle in an ice bucket?
Me: No.
That awkward moment when a zombie is looking for brains and he walks right past you…
I would have retweeted that but the sun was in my eyes and I got a lot of personal problems and I’m jealous.
I will never understand cryptocurrency. It confuses me in the same way a dog is perplexed seeing another dog on television. If I was told I had a rare cancer, but a doctor who took only cryptocurrency had the cure, I would just get my affairs in order.
Me: My wife and I finish each others sentences
Judge: No
Coworker: You know how some days you just don’t want to go to work?
Me: WAIT! There are days you DO want to be here?!
I tried to be mean once. Worst two minutes of my life.
#WhenIWas12IThought very little 🙌
Losing your spouse can be hard.
But it’s not impossible.
Me: please give my compliments to the chef
[later]
Waiter to chef: The sweater that guy at Table 7 is wearing really brings out his eyes
Plot twist-
Maury is the father.
the mechanic said it would be $800 to fix my brakes and I actually thought “how badly do I need them”
Just tracked down a student to ask where his amazing looking sandwich was from and he didn’t know. How is this possible.
M: Twitter has helped me tremendously as a writer, as it demands tightness and brevity.
Friend: What do you write?
M: Oh, only tweets now.
why do men take selfies like they’re being held hostage & can only communicate through their eyes that something terrible is happening
My husband made me a really romantic dinner once. When I finished cleaning the kitchen a week later, I warned him never to do anything like that to me ever again.
NO SHIRT, NO SHOES, NO SERVICE
Waiter: ahem *points to sign*
Me: oh that’s fine, I’m not ordering anything
we will divorce one (1) billionaire every week until our demands are met
A restaurant nearby was burglarized and concerned neighborhood residents awakened from sleep by the extra loud helicopter the police sent to deal with it are getting to the bottom of whether or not the restaurant’s food is good
[road trip]
DAUGHTER: I have to use the bathroom.
ME: *pulls into rest stop*
DAUGHTER: Thanks.
ME: Make sure you’re back in 5 minutes.
DAUGHTER: I will.
ME: We accidentally left your brother behind once.
DAUGHTER: I don’t have a brother.
ME: Exactly.
Ouija boards are officially obsolete, now that the dead can read messages addressed to them on Facebook.
I tried meowing back to the cat to show him I was making an effort, but he just switched to English.
HER: [she puts her hand down my pants] mm what do we have in here
ME: [sweatin because thats where I keep my chicken mcnugget stash] nothin
The cops say I have to stop trying to fist fight the guy who tries to feed my house letters everyday.
My bank, who passed all 14 interest rate rises onto my home loan account, but only half of them onto my savings account, just sent me some tips on how to identify financial scammers
Please don’t tell me about your childhood problems, this was my moms cars air conditioning growing up
Starting is the hardest part.
Unless it’s eating chocolate.
Then stopping is the hardest part.
Like a good neighbor
State Farm and I haven’t ever spoken.
[at home]
ac repair guy: yup, the unit can be fixed
me: well..what’s the problem
ac repair guy: just shit in the filter
me: wait..to fix it??
Toy Story
Toy Story 2: Toy Fast Toy Furious
Toy Story 3: Toykyo Drift
Toy Story 4: Toy Meets World
Toy Story 5: Toynado
Toy Story 6: Lotso’s Revenge
Toys 7
Toy Story 8: Toy Yoda-thon
Toy Story 9: The Fate of the Toys