Send a DM to your twitter crush saying “My flight gets in at 6am on Thursday” and see how they react.
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therapist: what are you afraid of?
me: nothing
therapist: yes, the void. it will swallow us all
“I have a pleasure room, would you like to see it?”
Him: “…That’s a refrigerator”
wife: I found a hypnotist who can fix our oldest sons disobedience & dandruff
me: [nodding] a good heir conditioner
[GOD CREATING DUCKS]
Give that chicken a kazoo.
Dumbo is a flying mammal and therefore a bat.
We all expected the zombie apocalypse. No one would’ve/could’ve imagined the covid 19 and TP wars of 2020.
On this very day 6 years ago, I asked my best friend to marry me. My wife was furious. Gary was a little taken aback too.
I treat people the way I want to be treated by not leaving the house.
If the question is how many toothbrushes can my 2yo fit in his mouth at the same time before I catch him. The answer is 4.
Bad Tweet? Just add Tequila!
Bad sex? Just add Tequila!
Bad day? Just add Tequila!
Bad driving? Just add Tequila… Wait, no. Maybe no.
Me when I’m making a big pot of soup: haha fuck yeah!! Yes!!
Me when I have to clean the big pot I used to make the soup: well this f***ing sucks. What the f**k
Me: Is this something a crazy person would wear?
My mom: Well, crazy people can wear whatever they want, so…
Why did the cup of tea I made you explode in your face?
I used Michael Bay leaves.
I’ll leave.
My husband just reminded me that we have fish sticks which is awesome because I was worried I didn’t have anything to pack my kids for lunch that they wouldn’t eat
the wignapper’s composite sketch is sending me.
[Lab]
Co-worker: “Where’s all the microscope oil and acetic acid?”
Me: (with a mouthful of salad topped with vinaigrette) I dunno.
Olfactory?! You mean that place downtown where a man cans millions of peaches?
I’m throwing a surprise 40th birthday party for my friend this weekend. He’s 34 so it’ll definitely work.
Woke up a fully assimilated sighborg.
911?
~He’s eating Top Ramen!
911: Keep calm! Did he drain the water
~NO! He’s eating it like soup!
911: That’s fucked up
~I KNOW RIGHT
I forgot my glasses so I pointed to a random spot on the menu and now I’m hoping for the best
[Couples counseling]
“It’s not good to keep these things bottles up, you know”
Okay, fine
*opens jar of wasps*
I’m not mad at Bezos for going into space. I’m mad at him for coming back.
No
one
yums like Gaston
Eats iced plums like Gaston
Knows you saved them but craves them, succumbs like Gaston
went to the frame shop. as I waited in dread to hear what it would cost, I closed my eyes and thought of a ridiculously high number and fixated on it so the real number, whatever it was, would come as a relief. but the real number was A HUNDRED DOLLARS HIGHER
I bet i could still be a stuntman
[Breaks a hip getting off the couch]
Okay maybe not
Why do people brag about how little sleep they get?
“Yeah I only get like 3 or 4 hours a night”
Cool man, I guess I’ll just… continue having a better life than yours
No one ever prepares you for the moment you find out the song you really like is Justin Bieber.
Me to Copilot: Does “d73H” mean anything to you?
Copilot: Hmm… No. Why?
Me: That nerd down there on the beach seems to think it does.
‘We both know you need to pee:’
~the monster under my bed