Send a DM to your twitter crush saying “My flight gets in at 6am on Thursday” and see how they react.
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“Happy Anniversary to you both, may you have a long marriage with many more years ahead” she hexed.
I don’t bring my relationship to the social media. I keep it a secret. Even the person I’m dating doesn’t know about my relationship
him: I wish you’d talk more during sex.
me: Okay.[during sex]
me: cats have 32 muscles in each ear
him: please don’t speak
everyone calls you Cass and just assumes it’s short for Cassandra, but really your name is Casserole
Being Man, a territorial animal, I assert dominance by sending Facebook Pokes.
You never notice pilots because they’re usually in d’skies
My kid has the wildest imagination, there isn’t even a wait when she’s playing doctor
Got banned from all the chemists in my town for calling them pharmas markets.
Wonder what happened to all the kids in middle school who flipped their eyelids inside out at recess
Why do we never see “Side effects may include spontaneous happiness, explosive giggling, uncontrollable hugging, and diarrhea”?
If I ever own my own company, the logo will be something majestic and exhilarating, like a tiger hang gliding.
Zeus: This box contains all the evils of the world: disease, death, hatred, racism, chaos –
Me: And I must never open it?
Zeus: You must open it every morning before you’ve even barely woken up
PA System: Attention shoppers, the store will be closing in five hours
Sloth: Uh oh
I’m never sure what to do with my hands when I’m eating fried chicken while making an illegal u-turn.
Him: I’m making you Produce Manager.
Me: A PLUM assignment!
H: …
M: You’re a PEACH!
H: …
M: Do I start today or TOMATO?
H: You’re fired.
BREAKING NEWS: Rihanna won’t be attending this year’s #MetGala after a back injury sustained from carrying the entire weight of the event for years.
So weird to think that people born in 1998 are 25 because I was born in 1981 and am also 25.
What i said : I really like this song
What i meant : Shut your face for the next few minutes
what if a snake fell asleep wrong and when he woke up his him was alseep
The most down bad thing I’ve ever been: when I was 25 I was texting a man who lived in another city. Started to absorb all my attention. I thought, “I gotta distract myself.” Decided I wouldn’t text him again until I read Infinite Jest, which is how I read the book in 3 days
[caught getting last piece of pie out of fridge]
And I would have gotten away with it too, if it wasn’t for that meddling open door beep!
Sorry I faked my death during the middle of your boring story.
Smoking doesn’t make you look cool kids. Murder does.
We were making out on the couch and She’s like “Let’s take this upstairs” I’m like “Ok you grab one side and I’ll grab the other!”
This is still funny.
How dare you incinerate that I don’t know big words.
Showed my mom a pic of a guy I thought was hot and she said he looked just like my dad when he was young and now Christmas is ruined
Why do you have a peloton sticker on your car?
ARE YOU PEDALING??
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because free will is an illusion and both of us followed paths that lead us to this very moment
Cop: How much have you had to drink?
Me: The precise amount I was predestined to
Tell me a story and include details but not too many details like I don’t need to know about a suspicious mole
God: you’re a kiwi.
Kiwi: so I’m a bird but I can’t fly?
God: true but you can do something other birds CAN’T.
Kiwi: really what’s that?
God: you can smell through your beak so good!
Kiwi:
God:
Kiwi: wanna know what I smell right now?
God: sure!
Kiwi: I smell bullsh-