When someone invites me to their home, and I see more than 3 cars outside, I just keep on driving. Just in case it’s an intervention!🤣🤣🤣
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14: ‘What’s an inheritance?’
Me: ‘Nothing you need to worry about, really.’
Hey guys who are angry that women are taking a stand against cat-calling, stop with all that scowling, you look so pretty when you smile!
Sermons in 10 minutes or less or you go to Heaven for FREE!!
I find it odd that when someone dies we refer to them as late, my late Aunt Polly. Aunt Polly isn’t late, she’s not coming.
So what happens to the pizza at the end of a porn film?
A Fitbit is just a tamagotchi, but the creature you have to keep alive is yourself
That stupid little run we do when someone holds the door open for us
My husband pissed me off so when he wasn’t looking I poured water on the floor in front of the dishwasher. He’s been fixing it for the past 2 hours.
I dunno, I guess it started when my parents got married in a gazebo
I burnt my tongue and now everything tastes like a 9v battery.
Gmail: Someone has signed into your account!
Me: Yeah that was me
Gmail: No it was on another device!
Me: Yes my tablet
Gmail: Someone stole your tablet?!
Me: what no
Gmail: CALL THE POLICE
My 12 year old can explain the difference between a sociopath and a psychopath.
I think about that a lot when I’m trying to get to sleep.
Son: Teach me to fight
Me: You don’t fight with these *makes fists* You fight with this *points to head*
[later]
Principal: Your son’s been head butting kids on the playground
Me: *nods sagely* Just as I taught him
Me: Well well, if it isn’t the consequences of my own actions.
Him: Please, call me James.
Ever think about how carrots taste more like the color orange than oranges do?
Eggs Benedict implies the exsistence of Eggs Cumberbatch
“I hate you but I love you. I miss you but you make me sick. You’re wonderful but get away from me” -My love letter to carbs
[fire alarm]
Hotel California manager: oh no
[Commercial]
*Camera focuses on a man choking on a whole apple*
Narrator: “If only there was a better way?”
[On Screen Caption]
TEETH
CULT LEADER: join our cult
ME: no thanks
CULT LEADER: we believe Air Bud was a documentary
ME: I’m listening
I wonder if the guy who came up with the term “One Hit Wonder” came up with any other phrases.
Extra car key
Extra house key
Extra storage unit key
Key to an extra apartment with a liquor cabinet– Keys to a successful relationship
omg i love that my Tinder date has floor drains in all the rooms of his deserted farmhouse
If I was a little smarter I’d be aware of how stupid I am.
damn boy, are you a horoscope? because i’m selectively focusing on the parts of you that make sense for me
My Dad used to do a great Darth Vader impression, by being a really bad father.
If I gave you a book for Christmas it’s due back at the library tomorrow
I hate it when I’m trying to discreetly pick a wedgie in public and inadvertently end up doing every dance routine from Spice World.
Most people will give you their jacket if you’re naked and tell them you come from the future.
Don’t let anyone tell you that The Godfather isn’t an extremely effective parenting manual.