*goes to church
I need all this water turned into wine. Thanks.
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So many flashing lights and alarms on the new refrigerator. I think it might be a first responder.
In case you’re considering having kids, I’ve been awake since sunrise trying to fulfill breakfast requests of: 1. Pancakes 2. Pizza 3. Green
Do you think you’d make a good sniper?
[ ] Yes •
[ ] No •
•
•
•
I’d rather see a guy with a machete walking towards me than someone with a clipboard.
A cool thing about dogs is they never get to an age where they are developmentally required to think you’re a cringe idiot. I mean, it’s not a competition – but my dog has never asked me to drop him off a block away from his school.
my wife slo-mo diving across the living room to knock the remote out of my hand as i try to watch a sci-fi movie under her profile
Sometimes I rock it as a parent, other times I drop my phone on my sleeping child’s face while taking a picture of them. It’s called balance
They say if you choose a job you love, you’ll never work a day in your life.
I have to work tomorrow.
My 5 year old just hugged me and said, “Thank you for promising to sleep in my bed with me tonight, Mommy” and that’s why you don’t answer any questions before coffee in the morning
“Your scientists were so preoccupied with whether they could, they didn’t stop to think if they should.”
I want to know about the Oreo incident…
Honesty is the best policy until it gets you slapped.
my cat frankie loves this weird ugly chair that came with my apartment. it’s gotta be one of his top 3 favorite spots to chill or sleep and probably like every third time i walk in and find him there i go “chairman of the board over here” but he never laughs
The home invasion ruined us. We never stood a chance against the houses.
What I say: I’m on a diet. What my mom hears: please cook delicious food and buy chocolate.
*checking out*
Card Reader: Would you like to donate $1.00 to Charity X? □ Y □ N
*enters N*
CR: Are u a selfish prick? □ Y □ N
mafia boss: “i want you to send tony the rat a message”
me: “like what”
mafia boss: “a horses head or sumthin”
me: [sends txt: “hey tony 🐴”]
My welcome mat says, “Oh shit! Not you again!”
– How can you read that without your glasses?
– I use my imagination
*On date*
Her: hey, how are you?
Me: yeah really g..
BRAIN: *interrupting* TELL HER THAT RAP ABOUT ANTS YOU MADE UP ON THE WAY HERE.
*getting murdered*
“When you’re done could you lay me on my back so my tummy flattens out?”
Buying a scrub brush on a stick for your back because you need something to remind you that you are single, even in the shower.
So I climb a tree and scream and its an “issue” but cicadas do it and its a natural marvel. OK.
HER: Wow, look at all the presents! How did you afford it all?
ME: I used Kohl’s cash.
[police burst through the door with Kohl]
KOHL: That’s the man who mugged me!
I want a boyfriend but I also want the pizza all to myself so you see my dilemma
Someone got friendzoned hard at the Brewers game… 😬
me: *rubs lamp*
genie: I will grant you three wishes
me: can you go away I’m rubbing this lamp
they should put mayonnaise in a spray bottle and called it sprayonnaise. lol the government allows me to vote
HER: I can’t be with a guy who thinks he’s Optimus Prime
ME: I can change Becky
HER: promise?
ME: into a semi truck
Women’s day is just a made up holiday to get us to buy more women