When you want your ball, but you don’t want to get wet
🎾💧💦
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I don’t clap when the plane lands but I would boo if it crashed
Medication for depression “may cause thoughts of suicide”. If this were so for all meds then:
Diet Pills..may cause ravenous hunger
Okay. What I don’t get is, is dressing up as a ghost and scaring people away from your amusement park actually illegal? Just because some teenagers and a dog say so?
“It’s early and the sun is coming up. I wanted to wake you up and tell you that.”
-My 5yo writing himself out of the will
dog: why can’t I see colors?
me: you’re visually impaired.
dog: what’s impai?
“How’d ya get that bruise on your cheek?”
*remembers dropping her phone on her face in bed*
Me: Street Fight
marry someone u only kinda like so if u get a divorce it won’t be that bad
Damn … History Channel 😀
#archaeohistories
i think muppets being in horror movies would be better than the original: a thread
I hope Obama spends the last 2 years of his term replying to all the tweets we’ve sent him.
[job interview]
“Have any questions?”
Think the 3 Little Pigs hired the Big Bad Wolf to blow their houses down to collect insurance money?
My family wants to start exercising more so now I have to jog to another town and find a new family
Waiter: Ma’am, your meal comes with two sides
Me (dragging a cigarette): Everything does, kid. Everything
Adding urine to your compost is a great way to add nitrogen to the soil AND get a restraining order from the neighbors.
EAT YOUR VEGETABLES!
-a mother who hasn’t eaten a vegetable that isn’t a potato in the last year.
Army guy: sniper in the clock tower, 6 o’clock
Me [seeing the time on the clock tower says 5 o’clock]: we’ll worry about him in an hour then
I’m still disappointed that Penguin and Random House merged to become Penguin Random House and not the more hilarious Random Penguin House.
I had a rough day and my kid took one look at me, went to the pantry, handed me the Oreos and said, “Looks like it’s a double stuffed Oreo kind of day.”
So anyway, he’s my new therapist.
women and their purses! haha what’s in there. tampons? lol. WATER? sweater? got sweaters? do you have an extra men’s medium sweater in there
Facebook…because you need to get into a political argument with someone you haven’t seen since the sixth grade.
Having a crush on someone sucks. If I wanted to gamble with my emotions, I would simply go to a convenience store, fill a slushie with 5 random flavors & let the lord decide whether it was delicious or not.
boss:
me:
boss:
me: [slowly removing tiara i made out of binder clips]
customer service: so the vacuum works just fine but you want to return it cuz it’s… too loud?
me: [looks over at dog] that is correct
Yelling at your kid when they’re your height just hits different.
SUPERHERO: I alienate my loved ones to protect them from danger
ME: Me too, that’s also my reason
Arguing with strangers on the internet is like yelling at a parking meter. I mean, I still do it sometimes, but nobody wins.
Cutting the mail slot in my door bigger to fit a pizza box.
*orders delivery*
Yeah, but I thought the whole point of twitter was to be stalked.
The word ‘follower’ should be evidence of that
Chefs who can’t admit failure present:
Soft-boiled eggs
Steak tartare
Twice-baked potatoes
Sour cream
Calzones
Pineapple upside down cake