When your cat crashes his bicycle in his dream.. 😂
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I don’t usually spank the kids while we’re in Walmart but yours were just asking for it.
There’s a bald spot in my yard so I’m gonna let the grass around it grow really long and then do a comb-over.
me: my pasta salad is cold
waiter: it’s meant to be
me: I think you’re cute too but let’s get this pasta problem figured out first
Money is the root of all wealth
“I don’t think being an only child affected me at all.”
I say, as I straighten my tiara, whilst eating the last cookie.
Losing weight
Pros:
– fit into fashionable clothes
– less chub rub
– can be picked up & carriedCons:
– fit into beauty standards
– less likely that thighs will merge into eachother and become a mermaid tail
– can be picked up & carried
Condoleeza Rice’s less successful sister is Apartmentleeza Rice.
Date: I’m excited to taste your cooking. When will it be ready?
Me: In a minute I’ll have to peel back the plastic, stir and re-cover.
Dating: *lights candle to set the mood*
Married: *lights sage to ward off the evil poop smell*
1. Pick jeans to wear
2. Pull them up to thighs
3. Pants dance for 3 minutes
4. Take pants off
5. Put sweatpants on
6. Cry, eat pumpkin pie
Captain: Did you break the sonar again?
Me: Yessir. I’m sorry
Captain: This is why we can’t have nice pings
I got a letter from a bill collector saying this is the last time they will attempt to contact me, so this problem really solved itself
Everyone complains about the weather but noone’s sacrificing a virgin to change it either.
Behind every HD picture of a girl, there is a
friendzoned DSLR photographer boy 😛
The Never Ending Story should’ve been a movie about a phone call from my Mother
So what do you think?
New hair?
No
Shoes?
No
Bag?
No
Pants?
No* 3 days later watching TV
OMG u rearranged the living room
– Men
My son told me he got me something “pretty expensive” for Christmas, and if it’s not a vacation home in Bora Bora I’m disowning him.
Welcome to parenthood. Your safe word is now, “What’sthatnoiseohnothekidsareawake!”
ME: So listen, if we pay a little extra, can we have the baby in color, instead of black-and-white?
ULTRASOUND TECHNICIAN: Sir, I’m gonna explain this one more time…
Remember, YOUR God is real. All those other Gods are ridiculous, made-up nonsense. But not yours. Your God is real. Whichever one that is.
Me: I love you.
3yo: I love you
Me: Are you my big kid?
3yo: Yup
Me: Are you my sweet boy?
3yo: *thinking* No…just a big kid.
alien: we have come to destroy all humanity
me: hell yeah
alien: what? I said we have co-
me: hurry up
Stormy, with a chance of “wet moms” this weekend.
I hope the next Adam Sandler movie has a wacky grandpa who uses “bae” all the time so you guys will stop thinking its funny
Four Worst Feelings Ever:
4. Losing your job
3. Romantic break up
2. Death of a loved one
1. Needing to pee when you’re stuck in traffic
Humankind: *evolves sophisticated language skills over thousands of years*
Guys talking to women online: Hey
Cashier: That’ll be $29.95 sweetheart
Me: Here you are, pumpkin face
Cashier:
Me: oh, I’m sorry, were we not giving eachother cute nicknames?
“Is this a date? This feels like a date” -blind guy at a farmers market