Why did the new psychology student eat their textbook?
Because the professor said it was a piece of cake!
😂
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Cop: *searching my car*
“WHERE IS IT?
I KNOW IT’S HERE!”Me: *trying to swallow a Nickelback cd*
“IT’S NOT MINE, I SWEAR!”
before puppy: ‘i’ma jump in the shower’
after puppy: ‘i’ma jump in the oven’
My daughter made such a cute little doll of me. It even has my real hair. She has it surrounded by some candles, and she’s giving it acupuncture to help the sharp pain in my side go away.
This kinda thing happens to me often
I can’t grab a drink with you after work. I am limiting my liquids since I am wearing a jumpsuit
“My middle name is War-and-Peace.”
“What?”
“It’s a long story.”
I had an unsettling dream. Someone came into my house and placed my Precious Moments figurines in compromising positions.
Date: *opening apt door* This is where the murder happens.
Me: OMG, what!?
Date: Sorry, magic happens. Haha, I confuse those two.
Me: Phew.
Date: *locking door behind us* and now to magic you!
There is no such thing as bad cheese there is only bad people who didn’t eat the cheese fast enough.
Me: [at the gym] arm or leg day?
Octopus: [crying] I’m not sure
I appreciate customer photos on Amazon because sometimes I think, “I would love to buy this item, but first, I need to see it at its saddest”
The first of Jay-Z’s 99 problems is the obsessive compulsive disorder that requires him to know his precise number of problems at all times.
1% battery…..
Because I like to live on the
Why isn’t a fleet of helicopters just called hellacopters.
A parakeet that won’t shut up equals dinner for fluffy tonight.
[liquor store]
Him: Did you see a cat in here? I know I just heard purring.
Me: *looking at huge boxed wine selection*
Him: Oh, it’s you.
Next time someone asks you how you slept,
close your eyes & say “like this” & just stay that way for like 8 hours!!!
Her: could things get any worse?
Me: *adds raisins* there you go.
Dm: Hi
Me: but have you even accepted Jesus as your Lord and savior?
squirrel mom: Remember what I told you
squirrel son: “Always look both ways before I finish crossing the street”
my biggest fear is waking up and being in the renaissance era or something. imagine having the knowledge of hotdogs but lacking the tools to make them
When you go to the gynecologist on Halloween they use a spookulum.
Dear toilet paper companies
I think it’s safe to say you can stop airing tv commercials
**marked safe from the loose thread I thought was a spider**
Date nights are great to bond with your spouse over why the hell are the spoons in the fork rack
My 3 yr old nephew: I learned numbers at school today.
Me: Cool, tell me a number you learned.
3: P & H
Me: this new math is challenging
“I need to print something from my phone.”
“There are a couple ways we can try to do that.”
“I’d like to pick the way that will take the most time, with the most opportunities for user error and the lowest probability of customer satisfaction.”
“That is the most popular option.”
My life would be so much easier if it wasn’t for that thing…God, what is that thing called…other people.
Me at 5: I’ll be famous one day.
Me at 15: I’ll be successful one day.
Me at 25: I’ll take a great vacation one day
Me now: I’ll just eat this this sauerkraut straight from the can.
Don’t be afraid to start over. I’m now on my third body.