Years ago, my mate had his car broken into. Luckily they didn’t steal it and also didn’t take any of his CD’s. He has appalling taste in music and we told everyone they left him some CD’s out of pity..
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Mirror mirror on the wall, please make me look like a mix between emaciated and “I’d hit that.”
*the priest stops mid-sermon, takes off his glasses & rubs his eyes. his voice takes on a tone of resignation*
which one of you keeps prank calling me at three in the morning?
Her: I’m a meteorologist and study weather
Me:
Her:
Me: you study whether what?
-Luca Brasi sleeps with the fishes.
-He has sex with fish?
-He’s dead.
-I’m not surprised. Having sex with fish doesn’t sound very safe.
Well, I made it up past 9pm, so yeah, you could say my Friday night is wild and crazy.
imagine after whispering your sins thru the confessional screen you hear a toilet flush
[girlfriend sleeping over for the first time]
HER: This is nice.
ME: You need to move to the couch. My dog sleeps on that side.
Then it should stop looking so damn comfortable
All 3 kids need braces so I explained to them that they will have beautiful teeth but no further education.
Ffs 🤦♀️ I forgot to get skinny for the summer again
Son got a RC drone for Christmas. Used it twice and never touched it again. I’ve become a bit of an expert on it chasing the neighbour’s cat out the garden when he comes for a dump. I can get the drone on and out the window in thirty seconds and chase him across six gardens.
Tried to update the Ryanair app but it downloaded on someone else’s phone 80 miles away.
my neighbor is outside hosing off her lampshades and I’m both terrified and intrigued
Which demographic buys the most barbies?
Australian fathers
Superman’s first day at the daily planet.
Boss: Since you’re new, you might need supervision.
Clark: I have that, superhearing too.
My kid: You know what I’m thinking??
Me: [sigh] If I say yes, do you still have to tell me?
*Flicks cigarette after a long drag* Here’s the thing, kids. Wolves don’t have lips so they can’t blow at all. That wolf was framed.
Sunday August 25th is Banana Split Day! And where do they make the best banana splits?
Sundae school.
Her: I’ve never had a piercing.
Me: Guess we’re not counting your voice?
At Home Depot, I’m just as confused and lost as the birds that have accidentally flown into the building.
FRIEND: How’s the new girlfriend?
ME: She’s a real queen bee.
FRIEND: *rolls eyes* Haha. Suuure.
*a faint buzzing from my pocket*
ME: Dude, she’s right here.
What can I buy my wife for Valentine’s Day that finally proves to her that I have absolutely no idea what she likes or who she is?
I had a dream I was making out with someone with really bad breath.
Judging by the look on my dog’s face, I’d say we had the same dream.
Remember being young and having your whole life in front of you? Now my back hurts most days and I get unreasonably angry when a car engine is too loud.
My washer broke so if anybody needs me I’ll be down by the river beating my underwear with a rock.
Read It and Weep: A Book on How to Cry
Her: You like shopping?
Me: Oh god yes!
Her: What’s your favorite place?
Me: The grocery store. There is a whole aisle of just cheese!
☠️
Forget the fad diets, I’m gonna lose weight the old fashioned way – by not having enough money for food.