yesterday at the farmers market when i was buying cucumbers, the old man selling them asked what i planned on doing with them & for a second I was like 👀 👀 👀 until he continued by asking if i was going to just eat them or pickle them because one kind is sweet and one kind is…
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What can I eat that’s healthy and a donut?
If u ever rob someones house just bring guacamole that way if they catch you you can just yell surprise and tell them they’re having a party
INTERVIEWER: What would you say is your main strength?
ME: I think it’s pretty obvious
INTERVIEWER: Right… And you made that ninja turtle costume at-
ME: At home. Yes
Listen here weather report, don’t tell me 1” hail.
You tell me Oreo size hail so I can understand.
Me: can I buy you a drink?
Girl: no
Me: *looking at bank account* you’re right
Winter. When trees are bare, and you can see into your neighbor’s yard, and omg, that’s Mrs. Hood’s body he’s putting into their fire pit!
Husband: You’re ruining my life
Me: Does this mean I still have to make dinner?
This Valentines, tell them what you actually think of them đź’•
I never realized my dog has the same last name as me until I took him to the vet.
Just emerged from my Y2K bunker.
Everybody okay?
him: how have you been improving yourself with all this free time during quarantine? i’ve been exercising more and eating better
me: [has forgotten the definition of 83 common words, what traffic light colors mean what, my phone number] simplifying
8yo: …
6yo: …
8yo: …
6yo: …
8yo: …
6yo: …
8yo: ….Punches 6yo in the face.
Me: Woah,what the hell was that for?
8yo: He knows.
[inserting row in excel]
Excel: copy font format from the row above?
Me: no I’ll handle it
Excel: and copy border from below?
Me: no why?
Excel: idk :/
Me: *typing number* w-why did you make 31,320 a date?
Excel: it’s my birthday 🙂
How about daylight saves us for once
Remember, if you get dumped, it’s only because they’re looking for someone sexier and more attractive. It has NOTHING to do with you.
If there were a prize for not having even one winning number on multiple Powerball tickets, I would be a millionaire.
If we’re sharing dessert at a restaurant and you’re eating it at a quicker rate than me, I will kill you.
Lisa: morning David
Me: who said that?
Lisa [sighs]: sorry I didn’t text you back last night
Me: is that a ghost? Because Lisa is dead to me
pharaoh: make my tomb a giant triangle
architect: ah yes, the triangle shape is strong and sturdy & the sides will be sloped so you can symbolically climb into the afterlife
pharaoh: [thinking about using it as a giant slide] yes
DOCTOR: You should lose some weight
ME: Ok I’ll consider it
VET: Your dog should lose some weight
ME: Hey bud, you’re going on a diet!
Pilot: Hi folks, I thought it’d be nice to speak to you out here instead of over the intercom. Unrelated, is anyone on board a locksmith?
me: another one, make it a double
hot dog vendor: how
JUDGE: your sentence will last for 5 years
ME: I can’t speak that slowly
Vet: “I can see the head…
…here’s the neck…
…more neck…
…more neck…
…neck…
…neck…
…neck…
…still more neck…
…neck…
…it’s a giraffe!”
A friend just texted me & asked for relationship advice. That’s like asking the pope to name all the members of Slipknot.
Gotta love those girls in department stores wearing lab coats–taking time away from their experiments to help women out with their makeup.
“what does your tattoo mean” i had money and nobody stopped me
My sisters made me watch their kids last night. At one point all six of them were crying, but I just kept rap battling them one by one.
Mailmen are basically reverse garbagemen.