My kids got to know me a little more yesterday. They learned my first pet’s name, my high school mascot, where I was born, my mother’s maiden name. Even after learning all these things, they still weren’t able to hack into my email account.
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[at a loud bar]
HIM: [yelling] DO U HAVE ANY PLANS AFTER THIS?
HER: [also yelling] YES I DO ACTUALLY HAVE PLANTS THAT I KISS
Weaknesses.
Secret Panel HERE 💥
shakespeare: murder most foul…
goose: what the duck did you just say?!
People who don’t use contractions scare the shit out of me. “I will be there” okay with what a machete
(friends getting chinese noodles without you)
that’s pretty lo, mein
Maybe if wommen’s uteroids weren’t such powerful mystery-swamps, the GOP wouldn’t have to police them with #light & #K9 units.
Me: You really brighten up the room!
Date: Aww, thanks!
Me: *staring directly at the sun* Who said that
[date]
HER: the last guy i went out with was as boring as a sack of potatoes
ME: [gets up from table] my son is a potato
One of my friends had a baby today, and another got a puppy. I think we all know which one I’m going to visit.
When you show someone a photo on your phone and they start scrolling through your photos, it’s legal to slap their nosy face.
Dang it, I looked at my phone for a second while driving and now I don’t know what road I’m on. Maybe I’ll ask this talky fellow on my hood.
Good news, everyone. I was robbed last night. But I confronted the robber and he agreed to set up a joint robbery task force with me.
I see it’s garbage day on twitter again.
Me: lol this guy is drunk after only two beers.
Wife: stop giving our toddler beer.
The saddest thing about trying to find a needle in a haystack is that your horse is hiding a drug habit from you.
If you’re a pilot with a man bun, I’m calling you Top Bun, and you can’t stop me.
If the United States ever collapses, the upside is that we can finally use the blue starry part of American flags to make wizard hats.
My co-worker’s wife just had her baby, so I told him “Happy… uh… baby!” because I couldn’t remember that normal humans say “congratulations,” and that tells you everything you need to know about me
Everyone “I learned a lesson ”
Me: “Imma do it again!”
[At Pharmacy]
Pharmacist: This medi…
Me: Can we just skip to the part where I pay? I brought my own water. I’ll take one now.
HE DRINKS A WHISKEY DRINK
HE DRINKS A VODKA DRINK
HE DRINKS A LAGER DRINK
HE DRINKS A CIDER DRINK
HE SINGS THE SONGS THAT REMIND HIM OF THE GOOD TIMES
HE TELLS HIS DOCTOR THAT HE ONLY DRINKS LIKE MAYBE ONCE OR TWICE A WEEK HONESTLY ITS JUST KIND OF A SOCIAL THING
OHHHHHHHH
Me, at the intervention: “Ah look, all the reasons I drink gathered in one place.”
me: where do you live?
schrödinger’s cat: a box
me: I mean like what state
cat: both of them
“Latte” is Latin for: You paid too much for that coffee.
Spent the day at the zoo watching animal parents sleeping. Currently building a cage around my house.
A lot of people ask me “why do you lie about the high number of people asking you things?”
I was confused when my wife asked me what I spent $108 on at the liquor store. I answered “liquor?”
All is not a trick question. Apparently
BOSS: You’re late again today
ME {still using the Mayan calendar}: We’re lucky to even be here you know
One day I’m going to cure blindness. You’ll see! You’ll all see!
you need to be 737 maxxing. you need to have a few screws loose. you need to be dramatically throwing open doors to feel the fresh air outside. you need to be keeping yourself grounded. you need to be lighting yourself on fire occasionally just to feel something.