You can’t make this shit up 😩
(photo not mine, nor is the pooh)
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Me, to my dog who is throwing up at the dog park: Bro, you are being so cringe in front of your friends.
Doc: Let’s check your reflexes.
Me: I have the reflexes of a cat.
Doc: *hits my knee with a hammer*
Me: MEOW! *scratches Doc’s eyes out*
I’m so out of shape, I can’t even run away from my insecurities.
Yes I can speak a foreign language if you count when I talk about the 80s in front of my nephews.
Me: Look, it’s malfunctioning. You’ll have to trust me on this.
Tech support: Ma’am, this is a kid.
one time I was in the hospital elevator with a resident and then the elevator got stuck and I was like “omg we are going to die” and she was like “omg YES I needed this today” and sat down and started eating a granola bar
Just got off the phone with my mom.
She had a good chat.Unrelated, there are 1273 Cheerios left in this box.
Call me faithless, but I just can’t believe three guys would travel that far on camels to throw a baby shower.
The human urge to say “Don’t worry, I’m over it” and then talk about it for the next 20 years.
There are two ice cream trucks on my street right now.
Okay, Feds.
me: i am not a religious person i prefer to use science as my basis for belief
also me: potato chips taste different when you open the bag from the bottom
I bet there is a Home Alone script where the parents purposely leave for the airport without any of the kids.
The cat puked all over the bath mat so I just tossed it into the trash can. Then I put the bath mat in the washer.
Autocorrect just changed faux pas to faux pasta and this gluten war has gotten out of hand.
My 9yo drew a picture of me throwing away their drawings which, ironically, is going to be the one picture I save.
yelling “you’re not my real dad” is a faux pas
To everyone who received a file from me named myjunk.jpg: I thought I was sending you a photo of my garage sale. I am so, so sorry.
Don’t mess with me man, I will put glitter on everything you love.
HER: I’m from outside London.
ME: Nearly the entire world is outside London.
Ex: Do you ever think of someone else when we have sex?
Me: No, it’s always George Clooney.
When I was a kid I was so afraid of being kidnapped until my mom assured me there was no way in Hell anyone would ever want to take me.
Kesha dropping the $ sign from her name just shows how bad the economy really is
If you see my kid on zoom in the same clothes he’s been wearing the past five days mind your business our homeschool has a uniform.
We can only blame SO much on trump. Some things are just Ryan Seacrest’s fault.
Me: finally drifting off to sleep
The alarm: you’re not gonna believe this
Me: omg can you PLEASE chew with your mouth closed
Lion eating me: sorry
[checking into a hotel]
Front desk employee: Thank you ma’am, we’ll make up a room for you right away
Me: aren’t… aren’t there real rooms here
the look on his face when he realizes he’s being watched is absolutely adorable
(jukin media)
Being vaccinated does NOT mean it’s ok to pose as a substitute music teacher at an elite private elementary school, expose the students to hard rock legends, secretly form a band, compete in a local Battle of the Bands and lose to No Vacancy!!!