An Adele remix? Perfect now I can dance and cry at the same time.
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Me: Turn right on Johnson Street.
Her: I don’t know the street names, just give me landmarks.
Me: Ok turn right at the sign that says Johnson Street.
*wipes off Chapstick
Weigh me now
I planned to graduate camping school but I failed tent grade.
H: “You’re walking funny”
me: I hurt myself in the hot tub
H: “Did you fall in?”
me: …
me: … sure.
i have a friend who hates certain hair styles and he told me he stopped watching john wick halfway through. he couldnt get past the middle part.
Nah nah nah nah nah nah nah nah…..
I had an erotic dream last night that my house was clean.
There’s no time capsule quite like the pocket of a coat that’s been in the closet for a year.
65 mph wind gusts today. This is why Midwesterners are heavy. Everyone else rolls away like a tumbleweed.
“At least you’re going to get a lot of material out of this,” is comedian-speak for, “Sorry about your life, dude.”
5-year-old: What happens if the baby pees?
Pregnant wife: She won’t. She waits till she’s born
5: Right. Just like no one pees in the pool
*Buys map of world, pins it up on wall*
*Throws dart, swears to visit wherever it lands*
*Visits the middle of the Atlantic Ocean*
Nobody learns to parkour faster than a parent chasing a toddler with a sharpie
Set my alarm for 2 am to go into my son’s room and tell him it’s raining to repay the favor he let me know this morning.
I wonder how Abraham Lincoln would feel if he knew he and Shakira’s hips have the same reputation
“I’d kill you if I thought I could get away with it”…….things that were said to me during my divorce. Hey guy’s, she’s available!
I bumped into a cute guy today.
I clawed his face off.
I should work on my people skills.
My dad left to get a pack of cigarettes 30 years ago and still hasn’t come back. That’s why I never started smoking. I just don’t have the time.
Am I the only one who just buys a new printer when the ink is gone? Also, does anyone want to make a sweet printer fort?
I wrote “Clarence sale” instead of “clearance sale” and now there are angry old ladies here looking for a husband.
There are two kinds of people in the world, those who can’t parallel park and those who grab a chair and a bowl of popcorn when they see the first group of people try to parallel park
*Writes “For a good time call” on random gas station bathroom wall
*adds work phone number
*Gets excited about work today
GOD: ok, you 2 have basically the same body, now let’s just divide these legs up!
SNAKE: Actually, what say we play cards for it? Winner gets ALL the legs.
GOD: …There is literally no reason to do that.
MILLIPEDE: *Shuffling with 1 hand* No no, he wants to play let him play.
I’m like Princess Peach in the way that I’m useless in a dress.
Lecturer: The human body is made up of 60% water
Me: Oh god…
Lecturer: *rolls eyes* What is it now?
Me: [drowning somehow] I CAN’T SWIM
OH NO I DROPPED MY THERAPY HOT DOG
In another blow to Hollywood during the pandemic, movie producers and actors in their late 60s warned to stay away from their 20 something girlfriends
haha same
I’m that bored in the house 🥺
#lockdownextension
“You’ve lost some weight.” sounds suspiciously like “You were a disgusting fatso before, but I was too nice to say so.”.