You think you’re having a bad day? My daughter learned that the average woman spends 10 years on her period and believed it to mean all at once.
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Watching basketball while on the treadmill feels like reading a book about someone reading an even bigger & better book
It’s called Wal-Mart because the Center for Disease Control was taken.
mother’s day idea: treat your mom as she has treated you! force her to take piano lessons
“This is a terrible wine tasting event. ” – me at church.
Every single cat would kill you if it was big enough. Think about THAT when you are deciding between name brand cat food and the generic.
Formaldehyde implies the existence of casualdehyde.
She said we needed to talk and…
I said, “Yeah, I think we should break up, too.”
She said, “About where to eat.”
“Oh,” I said, “Pizza?”
I need the type of burger that you’d hide from your life insurance company
People think I’m a good listener but I’m really just solid at nodding
I bought some old lady reading glasses as a lark, a laugh, and now my eyes don’t hurt, this isn’t what I wanted
I can’t tell if I lost weight or stretched out my pants beyond the point of no return.
Remember when you were 16 in drama class and you were like “Pfft. Whatever, I’ll never use this” and then your parents open their now empty liquor cabinet and you had to be like “Forsooth! What treachery has befallen my family?”
Volunteer me to do something without checking with me first so I know whose mailbox to leave the dead squirrel in.
My 3yo surprised me with a giant loving hug and then uttered those four magic words: “I did something bad”
Proud of my teen for keeping a straight face when she told her friend I’m 25. That friend’s gonna have some questions, but that’s what she gets for asking my age.
Hey cell phone companies who play smooth jazz hold music hoping I’ll lose interest and give up: yeah, it’s kinda working
I enjoy long walks in the woods, but only because there’s a chance I’ll get eaten by a bear.
It still works 🤷🏼♀️
Just because I’m smiling doesn’t necessarily mean that I like you. I might be picturing you on fire.
*throws $100 bill into a wishing well* I wish I was good with money
It’s getting disrespectful how long it takes for me to scroll to my birth year
I want a sandwich in the streets and a sandwich in the sheets.
Y’all I saw eyes in the forest on my walk tonight and got kind of scared until I used my flashlight and now I’m DYING
DATE: so what kind of writing do you do?
ME: um, cursive, regular…
DATE: no I mean-
ME: actually I can’t do cursive :/
Place any sort of bowl like object anywhere in your house and in a month and it will have collected old screws, batteries, and pens like some kind of black hole.
I am not a tomboy. I am 32yrs old. I am a full grown thomasman.
Chasing my dream
Dream: I have a girlfriend
Surprised to hear five people were shot at a Chris Brown show, most notably because why were there that many people at a Chris Brown show?
me: this could have been an email
cop: step out of the car sir