ʎɐqǝ uo pɹɐoqʎǝʞ ɐ ʎnq ı ǝɯıʇ ʇsɐן ǝɥʇ sı sıɥʇ
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I told my friends, family and dentist that I chipped my tooth recently because Storm Isha blew the garden door into my face at high speed. The truth is that I was actually playing tug of war with our Alsatian dog, by holding the other end of the rope in my teeth.
They didn’t ghost you. Their spouse found out.
*walks into room, turns chair around backwards & sits down with arms crossed on it*
hey kids…I’m here to talk about how chairs confuse me
If I had laser hair I would never get that shit removed.
my wife and i have been playing a 7 day game of ‘dishes in the sink are lava’
The date was going so well until he called me gorgeous and I blew a bubble out of my nose on accident.
Before I get in a fight I like to say something quick and intimidating. Like, “You just signed your permission slip for the field trip to hell. Also I’m your chaperone and in addition to that I’m the Devil. Here comes the bus. I am also the bus.”
Nothing freaks me out like when I’m ordering from a Chinese restaurant and I ask “What kind of meat is that?” and they answer “yes”
Love means never having to say you’re sorry for accidentally bringing home six more cats.
If you’re happy and you know it…
Watch the news.
can u imagine being the first person to try coffee. just being like haha i’m shaking but like in a good way
To those that put something in a closet, close the door, hear something crash and walk away
You are my people
Husband: you might want to start adding an occasional LOL
or I’m kidding
or smiley emoji
or I love you into your texts…so if anything ever happens to me it throws off the investigation.
Guys, don’t take the first step cause girls hate that easy guy. Also, you must take the first step cause they hate the shy one. Good luck!
Day 4 of quarantine – my dog wants me to go to work
I can’t believe it’s so cold I have to wear gloves inside. I mean I’m not even robbing anything or trying not to leave fingerprints
Wife: Let’s watch Netflix.
Me: Ok. [starts movie]
Wife: [sleeping]
Me [pausing]: OMG we are two seconds into it.
Wife: What?
Me: You’re sleeping.
Wife: I’m not sleeping. Press Play.
Me: [presses Play]
Wife: [sleeping]
Dinner is a great time for my family to come together to tell each other exactly what is wrong with the meal I made.
*calls child protective services*
PROTECTIVE SERVICES: Why would you name me this, mom?
The correct amount of coffee is the amount where, if you perished, your heart would continue to beat for a good 2-3 days.
Me: *establishes dominance by removing the toilet seat*
Wife: Good move, smart guy. What are you gonna do when you have to….
Me: Shit.
Every time someone tries to fight with me on Twitter a middle finger gets its wings.
[hands mom flowers on Mother’s day]
thanks for a life of sacrifice, these cost me twenty bucks
My 5-year plan is to double the number of things onto which I regularly pour alfredo sauce.
Ladies, never trust a dude with a fancy mustache. They’re just a top hat and a cape away from tying you to the train tracks or the conveyor belt of a giant lumber mill saw.
1. have a child
2. never mention it on facebook
3. dress it in old-timey clothes and have it stand in the background of all your photos
My family tasked me with prepping the canned cranberry sauce and I don’t eat berries from a can so I had no idea how it was supposed to be. It looked like jello so I smashed it all up and apparently I was supposed to slice it. My grandma is crying
Nobody in this neighborhood ever got along until we all hated your rooster.
Moderator: your word is “impatient”
Sloth: can you use it
Moderator: in a sentence yes “i am growing imp-“
Sloth: in a
Moderator: you know what close enough *ding*
Sloth: oh great thank you
Moderator: what the
My toddler has lost the eyes from her Mr Potato head toy and I’m pretty sure it was on purpose so he can’t see how shit 2020 is