♫ Hey there Delilah, this is dispatch please come quickly
There’s a robbery in progress
Suspect is white & in his 50s
And high on gluuue ♫
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waiter: how would you like your steak cooked
me: i’d love it
Her: Have you planned your funeral?
Me: Yeah, it’s scheduled for September 25, 2450.
Her: (Stares)
Me: What? Are you busy on that day?
Ask her if she’s sure she doesn’t want to order a salad… Girls love to be called fat!
“I’m Bond. James Bond”.
Well, Mr Bond. Allow me to introduce myself.
I’m Evil. Ken Evil.
[speeds cycle up ramp]
[jumps 8 cars & a bus]
Its a little cheesy but holding up a boom box outside her window and blasting the song “Cotton Eye Joe” will win her back everytime
[At my front door, speaking to a detective in my robe]
Me : Can I have my robe back, please?
“We should get a bell so that when we need you we can just ring it” – my child, hiring me as his servant
Animals who have bright colors and patterns in the wild are considered dangerous and shouldn’t be messed with.
*Updates work wardrobe to bright, loud colors and patterns*
Attorney: identity theft is a serious crime
John Jacob Jingleheimerschmidt: i will explain once more
every day of my adult life I am grateful that I had only limited ways to put my ideas on the internet as a young person
How disappointing is it that Han Solo didn’t name his son ‘Guitar’
What idiot called it “learning to be patient” and not “gaining wait”?
My parents are divorced. I feel fat and all the other girls my age have boyfriends.
Him: Being a teenager is tough.
Me: *sigh* I’m 40.
You wait until midnight for the next game of wordle? So basically you wait and wait and there’s all this hooplah for three minutes of fun? This reminds me of something.
I was gonna say “that’s the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard” but, I wanna wait to hear what you have to say next..
#CancelDJDarrellRipley
Me: Delete it!
Nightclub security: [rewatching the tape of a girl rolling the collar of my turtleneck up over my head while I’m talking to her] Lol never.
Joker: You’re endangering a minor
Batman: He’s my partner
Joker: Why’s he in his underwear?
Batman: So we match. Look, this isn’t about me.
The loudness of the sound made by setting a plate in the sink is directly proportional to the number of sleeping people you are trying not to wake.
Mom: “You’re a delusional alcoholic.”
Abraham Lincoln: “She’s right, you know.”
My waiter just told me he fancies himself as “an edgy comedian”
Pray for me
Since the summer Olympics got postponed a year, that means I still have time to master ribbon gymnastics.
When I unsubscribe from an e-mail list, and they have one of those annoying surveys asking for a reason why I unsubscribed, I click “Other” and write “I used to make sweet love to your CEO and these e-mails are a painful reminder of our time together.”
Sometimes as a woman all i want is for a man to grab me, throw me into bed and then clean my house while i sleep
*sees sharp scissors, hot glue guns, and simmering office rage*
Maybe team building with arts and crafts wasn’t such a great idea.
Our vision of Hell doesn’t come from the Bible; it’s a composite drawn from fictional sources like The Divine Comedy and Paradise Lost. Fearing Hell is tantamount to fearing the plot of a Stephen King novel.
WAITRESS: Is that a no on dessert?
[Calling a guy for the 1st time]
Him: Hello
Me: Helloooooo!!! *in Mrs. Doubtfire’s voice*
*panics, hangs up*
[texting]
WIFE: need to talk when u get home
ME: about what
WIFE: too much to text just wait till u get home
ME: *never goes home*
[Creation]
ANGEL: Ok, bats are done. We just need to decide how they sleepGOD: [on his phone] Hang on
ANGEL: [writing] Bit weird but ok
a cool way to answer the phone is “dracula?” and when they tell you who is actually calling you say “okay phew”
My parents were very inspirational, they used to say:
“You can do whatever you want in life, as long as you don’t do it here.”