Me: Babe, you are the one. The one I will fight with.
Wife: Don’t you mean for?
Me: Sure. That too.
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Nobel prize to the person who invented stretchy clothes
Failed my Politics exam. “Describe the role that India plays in the modern world”.
Apparently “Tech Support” is not the correct answer.
People who say the Napster guy invented music piracy forget the time I stole my sister’s Violent Femmes CD when I was 13.
I like Tweets that are so good that when I send them to FB my old friends won’t talk to me on the phone for a week.
A dating app for people who self sabotage called Hinder.
Before gravity was invented you had to tie down your cows or your cows would just float away
“we want grandchildren” sorry hope you like podcasts
I see in your bio you’re divorced and play the bagpipes. I’m going to venture a guess as to why you’re divorced
*Meanwhile at a restaurant*
Waiter: Welcome sir, would you like a table?
Me: So kind of you, I wouldn’t mind.
*Picks table and walks out*
brain: BACON!
mouth: BACON!
stomach: BACON!
arteries: are… are the walls closing in? feeling a little claustrophobic here, guys
Some folks age like a fine wine. Meanwhile, Im aging more like a soggy cardboard box.
alfred: you have lung cancer
batman: how?
alfred: probably from using smoke bombs to get out of scary situations
batman:
alfred:
batman: *reaches for smoke bomb*
alfred: sir, no
Me: I really like your glasses. They’re so cute.
Cashier: I like yours too.
Me: Oh, thank you. I need them to see.* I need them to see?!? I shouldn’t be allowed to speak 😂
Cop: Know why I pulled u over?
Me: [slams fist on dash] NO, WHY?!
Cop: Settle down sir
Me: [marries, has kids, gives up ambitions]
Cop: …
WIFE: *reading headline* Bird flu in America
ME: *not looking up from my phone* Birds fly in every country, Sharon.
Rose petals? Next time scatter something I can eat.
*turns up to a yoga class in full Master Yoda costume*
“Oh dear. Misread the flyer, I have.”
I’m watching my 4 year old son give my 1 year old a hammer. He is so irresponsible.
Duck typos.
You never notice pilots because they’re usually in d’skies
Like many of you, I dislike a chandelier, both in its entirety and its individual chandels.
“Please refrain, Angry God, from using the Newspaper of Doom” the Spider King cries as he orders another sacrifice into your sleeping mouth
girl in novel: hi my older brother who is 17 years old and popular, do you want breakfast ?
her brother: yes, remember when mom died when you were 4 and our dad is an alcoholic ?
My 7yo, as we drive past the tennis courts near his school: “that’s where all the old grandpas yell at each other.”
Don’t mistake my habit to look down, as modesty.I have a long history of tripping on the most ridiculous things
It’s true. Parents that use drugs, have kids that use drugs. So, there’s an important lesson here…
Don’t have kids.
I recently took a pole and found that 100% of the people were angry when the tent collapsed.
I’ve had my heart broken before, but I got back up on that horse and said “C’mon, can’t we give us one more chance? Stomp once for yes.”
I finally convinced Grandpa to watch Avengers with me.
Grandpa: Who’s that guy?
Me: Captain America.
Grandpa: Then the blonde must be Captain Hammer.
Me: No, that’s Thor.
Grandpa: …Thor? What, like from the Bible?
Me: Um… Yes?
Grandpa: I don’t like church movies.