🎵Baby shark, doo doo doo doo doo doo
🎵Baby shark, doo doo doo doo doo doo
🎵Baby shark, doo doo doo doo doo doo
🎵Baby shark!🎶
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That’s Saturday nights plans ruined
I remember when rollercoasters were fun, not a daily emotional existence.
Me, about to be kicked out of a convention for the American Society of Egyptologists
“As we all know, the pyramids were built by the Pharaoh convincing two people to begin work, and those two people in turn convincing two people each. Then those four people each convinced
My girlfriend is pissed that I just matched with her on Tinder.
Every marriage has one person who throws things out, and a garbage-loving chaos goblin who says “But I was saving that!”
[date]
ME: ur jacket goes well with ur purse
HER: *sits down* see it’s not hard to be complimentary
ME: u mean complementary
HER: *gets up*
Was just talking with a friend who refuses to give her husband a blow job because it’s “dirty”.
Told her not to worry, someone else will.
One a scale of keystone light to jaeger how drunk are you sir?
PANCAKE
ok I need you to step out of the car
When I get new followers I lean in close and whisper to their avi:
“You’ve chosen wisely, Grasshopper.”
*T-Rex stubs his toe*
OUCH I’M SO MAD. JUST… MAD. I’M…“Angry? Agitated? Irritated? Anno-”
SHUT UP THESAURUS NO ONE ASKED YOU.
I’m sorry I got you birth control for Christmas and said it was my gift to the world.
It takes a smoke detector 4 months to stop beeping if you were wondering how lazy I am.
I apologize for pinching your lips closed when you started telling me about your kids
Amazon review: Amazon river
⭐☆☆☆☆DO NOT GO HERE! Everything tries to kill you, plus they don’t even have free shipping.
‘Why do people even talk to babies? It’s not like they can understand anything’ I ask my dog.
“Hi. My name is Jeff and I’m an alcoholic_”
*embarrassed silence in the room*
“Wow. Tough crowd.”
Worst Bring Your Dad To School Day EVER
‘What do we want?’, ‘A really fast car to drive past!’, ‘When do we want it?’, ‘Nnneyowwwww’
Threw some hot dogs and a velociraptor egg into my shake this morning, I’m ready to take on the world.
“How would you describe yourself.”
Me – I absolutely would not.
It was when I stabbed a Capri Sun perfectly the first time, right in that grey circle, that I knew I wanted to be an assassin.
Interviewer: So you were a Chernobyl tour guide?
Me: Yes, I was.
Interviewer: I see you have glowing reviews.
Me: Yeah, you might want to put those down.
Lionel Ritchie being British :
🎵 Hello!
Is it tea you’re looking for? 🎵
Cat: I am a MAJESTIC POWERFUL creature of the night
Me: I will call you Mr Fuzzypants
They say 1 out of every 5 humans is Chinese.
Out of me and my 4 siblings, I’m pretty sure it’s either Carl or Liu Yang.
It’s absurd how none of the chicks at this park are recognizing my swag *puts flip phone back in my fanny pack. Rollerblades away*
“I’m not like other girls,” I say, clacking my pinchers and scuttling back into the murky lagoon.
[ In bed, trying to find a cold spot ]
Ahhhh, there it is…
Wife: Get off of me!!
You think you’ve got problems? This is what I’m having for dinner
*guy shows me his Chinese character tattoo*
“It means wisdom”*I show him a Batman BandAid on my arm*
“It means I was brave at the doctor”
Looking for a get well soon card but they’re all so inspirational and sappy why not something simple like “I hope you make it through this but if not say what’s up to god for me”