🎵If you wanna be my lover, you gotta get with my gourds🎵
~ The Pumpkin Spice Girls
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ME: we should do this agai-
DATE: im busy that day
My 6-year-old wouldn’t stop playing “the floor is lava” so I put a pair of socks on him and told them they were lava-proof, and now he’s mad because I’m the one “making things up”.
Him: why do you keep poking me ?
Her: I’m looking for the mute button
HER: Is that a potato in your pocket or ar-
ME: Yeah. I’m saving it for later.
The real reason Darth Vader cut off Luke’s hand was because he touched the thermostat
*makes 9 yr old son memorise my phone number in case he gets lost
[He gets lost]
*I don’t answer my phone as I don’t recognise the number
Nothing brings me more joy than watching my cats walk across sleeping family members.
When you’re asleep, you aren’t even a person to them.
Or when you’re awake.
If you saw how my wife attacks flying bugs in the house, you’d sleep with a knife under your pillow too.
my niece thought her math teacher said “length, width, and death” so shes been runnin around all day screamig “THE THIRD DIMENSION IS DEATH”
I already tried new things thanks.
[watching my life flash before my eyes]
God: are you serious? how many times did you watch the office?
the twelve days of christmas is completely unrealistic there is no way that you’re still accepting gifts from someone after four days of birds
Erm I’m gonna say no
Nan swears blind she heard a miaowing from next door’s garden. She miaowed back.
The cat miaowed.
She miaowed back.
This continued for minutes.
She walks down the garden to the end.
Looks over the fence.
Still miaowing.
Sees her neighbour miaowing back at her.
I want to open a pizza shop called “Cheesus Crust!” Our slogan will be: “Heavenly ingredients, served hot as Hell.” -or- “Crust has risen.”
Life was once a string of awkward silences but then I got a kazoo
*during a magnitude 1 earthquake*
Owner of the Etch-a-sketch museum: no no No NO!
[breakfast]
Her: Ugh. Dropped an egg.
Me: You could just say you’re ovulating, you know.
I’d choose @funTweeters over anti-depressants any day.
Whenever Becky says anything in the breakroom, I just say, “well, that got racist pretty fast” and walk out. I hate you so much, Becky.
Everyone you meet is going through some kind of struggle, and they also have something to teach you, so do NOT make eye contact.
Friend: Did you already eat or do you want to get some food?
Me: Yes.
If you get engaged and you and your partner both owns dogs do the dogs become brother and sister or are they married too?
Eggs come out of the carton left to right, buddy. Not all willy-nilly like some crazy person who hates America.
[first day as a spelling bee judge]
Me: your word is Sarcasm
Him: can you use it in a sentence please?
Me: no, I’m a spelling bee judge but can’t use a word in a sentence
Hi, I’m Angie.
You may remember me from such instances as: Where did all the vodka go? Is ur friend ok? Or: Who’s responsible for this girl?
Them: What is wrong with you?
Me: How much time do you have?
FIREFIGHTER: You need to get out of here [dodges falling support beam] right now!
ME: [staring at toaster waiting for pop tart] come on come on
Them: You look tired.
Me: *punches them in their face* Well, you look injured.
[chopped]
Judge 1: this is disgusting
Judge 2: the chicken is raw
Judge 3: why are there froot loops
[the rat under my hat starts biting me]