For my next trick I will bust 8 kneecaps with a single kick.
*steps on a spider*
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How To Avoid Dating
●You’re too young for me.
●I’m too young for you.
●I don’t date men my age.
●Okay, but after I finish my antibiotics.
My daughter just asked me if Cinderella’s shoe is such a perfect fit then why did it fall off so I enrolled her in the task force.
I just realized how long ago 2008 was, and I’ve decided I don’t like time any more
I always feel slightly ripped off when my toddler poops after I pick her up from daycare.
FRIEND: What’s the movie, where they bring that monster to life and then have to destroy it?
[at the same time]
HER: Frankenstein.
ME: Frosty the Snowman.
If the office coffee pot doesn’t have to work until it’s banged on the counter neither do I
can’t bark with your mouth full
Apparently it is “against church policy” to drop your kids off in the nursery and then go to brunch.
Computer: [down]
Help desk: you’ll need to submit an online ticket
I’m the kind of girl who won’t stop until you’re screaming your safeword.
Related: Your safeword’s the first 16 digits of your credit card.
HOT GIRL AT WORK: I saw Death Of A Salesman last night & I really loved it
ME: [trying to impress her] I’ve murdered 7 pizza delivery guys
what did president abe lincoln call his journal?
…his lincoln logs
Do you rake up your leaves or do you wait until the wind blows them all over into neighbor’s yard like a normal person?
I wonder how much time Han Solo spent just brushing Chewie’s fur and talking about their aspirations
Kids: We’re hungry!
M: Dinner when mum gets home
K: She’s away for a week
M: OK, when I’m done tweeting
K: (sigh) we’ll wait for mum…
My 7 yr. old thought it would be really funny to hold up a sign in the back window of the car that said “HELP ME!”. It was not.
“Do you want to play doctors and nurses?”
*flirty giggle* “ok…”
“I’m a specialist. The earliest I can see you is May next year”
If alcohol has calories and calories are energy then cocktails are energy drinks
Father: I love both my sons equally.
Max: I know that, dad.
Min: I have my doubts.
I woke up this morning feeling ever so confident that today was the day I would commit myself to physical fitness.
Right after I finish this bacon, egg, and cheese McGriddle.
On the 9th day of Christmas my true love sent to me 9 ladies dancing, 8 maids a-milking, 7 swans a-swimming, 6 geese a-laying, 5 GOLD RINGS, 4 calling birds, 3 French hens, 2 turtle doves & a partridge in a pear tree
Hope the dancing hasn’t made the ladies hungry; birds all eaten
me: hit me, daddy
poker dealer: don’t call me that
I clean my house before going away like burglars give yelp reviews.
People need to learn how to record their name on a voicemail system.
“You have one new voicemail from… *heavy breathing* Toooooooddddd”
You look like the type of guy to put the “lotion” in “relotionship”.
You also look like a bad speller.
[First date]
Her: I like bad boys.
Me: *trying to impress* I have it on Blu-ray.
Ever get up to tell your boss something and then decide to email it to him instead because it would look more like you’ve been doing something?
Can anyone explain what’s happening in front of my house none of these belong to me
Twitter: Just chilling with my cat.
Cat Twitter: My human won’t leave me alone.