🎶Well you can tell by the way I clumsy walk
I’m an awkward girl, don’t wanna talk
Mumble sounds, eyes look down
I’ve been trippin ’round since I was born
And it’s all right, it’s okay
Please just look the other way
🎶
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What do Me, Santa Claus and the Easter Bunny have in common? You guessed it: we’re all white.
I’m so excited, I just sold my first house. I’m not even a real estate agent and my neighbors are furious for selling their house without asking.
Do werewolves pull their ripped pants down to poop in the woods?
The home invasion ruined us. We never stood a chance against the houses.
Me: I love Bowl Season
Them: yeah, football every day for a month!
Me: *surrounded by 47 bowls of snack foods* huh?
Wife got mad at me again. I guess it isn’t funny to give the last rites to every plant she puts into the cart at home depot
My dealer told me everytime i use a reusable container instead of giving me a new baggie he’ll give me a discount and thats what i call loyalty to the planet.
Him: I eat healthily
Me who has just learned the word ditto and can’t wait to use it: say something else
Mum was fed up of the squirrels stealing all the bird food so she greased the feeder!
Why did they call it a drawn-on six pack and not an abs tract painting.
Does your wife know you’re single?
There should be shopping carts available in the middle of the grocery store for people like me who thought they’ll be able to carry their stuff but eventually have to admit that they can’t.
My daughter was disappointed with dinner last night and said, “At least this is better than pasta.” Which is a real shame because we’re having pasta for dinner tonight.
GAME TRAILER: “Enter a world beyond belief…”
ME: “Yes”
GAME TRAILER: “An adventure like never before…”
ME: “YES”
GAME TRAILER: “Join your friends online”
ME: “I’m out”
I’ve verified my own account.
It’s utter crap ✔
Wife: I’m going to wine down
Me: You mean wind down
Wife: No
*husband comes outside*
“What are all the neighbors out here laughing about?”
*sees me trying to skateboard to the mailbox*
Artist: I wonder why my back hurts all the time
Artist while drawing:
I start each day with a green smoothie. Wait, no, the bartender’s saying it’s called a “Mojito.”
[Lou Bega voice]
One, two, three four
[Proclaimers voice]
five hundred miles
sometimes I feel sad and then sometimes I go get an apple pie and vanilla soft serve from McDonald’s and mush them together so I can be fat and sad
My CW said not to drink cows’ milk cuz we’re not cows so now I get why she drinks almond milk-she’s nuts.
Just watched a guy walk into the wall, because he couldn’t decide if he should go left or right. The future of humanity scares me.
OB-GYN: Ever consider having kids?
Me: *remembers the time I heard some man tell a little girl to smile & she told him to die* Just once.
[a commercial for tampons]
Hi babe I picked up the tampons you asked me for
“Screw you, you bastard!, I hate you”
Narrator: “Tampons”
Date: Do you practice safe sex?
Me: I use the pull out method
Date: That doesn’t work!
Me *pulls out accordion*
Date: I don’t want to have sex with you
Me: It always works
I should probably just learn a skill instead of waiting around for a malevolent spirit to take over my consciousness or whatever.
SEGA: we have the fastest creature alive
Nintendo: oh shit, your mascot is a cheetah?
SEGA:
Nintendo:
SEGA: well that would have made sense
Interviewer: How would you describe yourself?
Me: Verbally. But I’ve also prepared a dance.
Hedgehogs would seem far less adorable if they had more relevant names like ‘Stabbyrabbit’ or ‘Weaponrat’