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*extends arm for handshake*
Me: Hello, it’s nice to meet you
Friend: Sorry, but my dad is blind
Me: Oh…. HELLO, IT’S NICE TO MEET YOU
Be nice to your children’s teachers. Especially elementary ones, cuz kids have loose lips and that teacher has all the dirt on you.
Better than a Justin Bieber concert:
1. Being deaf.
2. A rattlesnake bite.
3. Chewing razor blades.
4. Licking a public toilet seat.
I have, a really beautiful body
under my floor boards
Shampoo, conditioner, and body wash are the condiments of showering and we are the hot dogs and hamburgers.
“It’s the hap, happiest seeason of—” yeah go tell it on the mountain, Denise, I’m gift wrapping a basketball over here
Someone knocked at my door asking if I would like to donate to the children’s home so I just chucked him a few kids
Of course, because I’m wearing a white shirt, my coffee chose violence.
Me, in most situations: quick, incisive decision-making.
Me, thinking about what drink to get at a gas station: To be or not to be; that is the question. Whether tis nobler in the mind to suffer the slings and arrows of outrageous fortune, or to take arms against a sea of troub
Look on the bright side, parents. At least you have an excuse not to take your kid to Chuck E. Cheese’s now.
A toddler waves his stuffed snow leopard and shouts “tiger!” From my purse, I retrieve my big cat field guide to do the job his parents failed to do.
I’ve been trying to cancel a print job since November.
not enough men these days put fish in their mouth and pull out the entire skeleton in tact
Sometimes I wonder what people without kids do with all that free time. I bet they sit and stuff.
So you brush your teeth with hair on a stick and brush your hair with teeth on a stick. Humans, you’ve made it.
If you love something set it free. If it comes back, celebrate with some delicious tacos. If it doesn’t that’s twice the tacos for you.
interrogator: you leave us no choice. time for good cop, jazz cop
suspect: you mean bad cop?
interrogator: no
suspect: i confess.
Them: lastly what’s up with this gap in your résumé?
Me: ah that was the year we got fitted sheets and I…
Them: …yup, say no more.
Muscle memory, but it’s the Amazon driver pulling up to my house on the odd day he doesn’t have a package for us.
My parents and in-laws are visiting for the weekend. Whose around for a consensual kidnapping of me until Monday?
The package says “Do not eat raw cookie dough” but all I really see is “Pillsbury hates you and doesn’t want you to be happy.”
Mom was a minute late serving dinner. Again. I nearly starved.
~dog’s log, August 2nd, 2021
Me: Can I buy you a drink?
Girl: I’m an alcoholic
Me: Ok, but I can only afford one.
[first date]
Me: I collect taxidermy
Him: Really, taxidermy?
Me: It’s a family thing[later, at my place]
Me: Feel free to hang your coat on my stepmom
My neighbor is louder than a spinning dryer drum full of loose change on a groaning container ship being ripped apart by rogue waves.
I believe in karma which means I can do bad things to people all day long and just assume they deserve it.
Why do people say they tried calling me? No, you did, in fact, succeed in calling. I just didn’t answer.
“I hate confrontation”
“No, you don’t”
financial advisor: what are your retirement goals?
me:
Pedestrians cross the street like it’s on their bucket list to get hit