👃🏻: what are you wearing?
😋: Tide….WITH odor eliminator.
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cop: “you’re drunk, get out of the car.”
judas: “bbut I’ve bbeen on tthe water all night.”
–
[jesus whistles innocently]
It’s so unsettling meeting a baby with a grown man’s name. No I don’t want to hold Keith but can he look over my investment portfolio for me
If you’re stupid and you know it close your mouth.
How do you end an argument with a woman?
Tell her to calm down.
You’re dead now but the argument is over.
Officer: Sir, we have reports you’ve trained this bird to injure passersby.
Me: Ridiculous!
O: The pet’s name?
M: Paul the Attack Canary.
Any psychic who needs a door bell to let them know someone is there is probably not worth the money.
I’ve never been in love… But I imagine its similar to the feeling you get when you see your waiter arriving with your food.
I took my 4yo to the playground for the first time in months and based on what I’m seeing I think they’re teaching parkour in kindergarten these days
Single people at the grocery store are without a care in the world as if they don’t have to worry about bringing home the wrong yogurt
[job interview]
“Under skill it says nicknames?”
“You know it Sex Dragon.”
“Sex Dragon wants to know when you can start?”
2016: No way will Trump win the election
2017: No way will President Trump fire all those nukes
2018: No way we’re doing what those Apes say
yes lassie?
“bark”
Timmy’s in the well and you pissed in my slippers and you told me about Timmy first so I wouldn’t get mad
“bark”
smart
According to my email junk folder, I am a very successful Bitcoin trader.
My dad just said I should put our dog on “this site– have you been to it?” I went over to the computer. He had written “pomeranians” into Google image search
List of food it’s okay to eat with your hands:
– corn on the cob
– chicken wings
– ribs
– hamburgers
– spaghetti at your in-laws
People write Congrats cause they can’t spell Congrajulashins
WOW! SNOWING EVERYWHE…. it stopped.
OMG IT’S STARTING AGAIN AND… nvrmind.
HERE IT IS AGAIN, WEEE…its gone.– Snow globe, the story.
Oh! He barehanded that ball. Can you believe the athleticism?
– Baseball commentatorPfft. Amateur.
– Every parent who’s caught their kid’s barf in their hand
ME: Tear this breadstick open, I think you’re gonna like what’s inside.
GIRLFRIEND: YOU DIDN’T! {breaks it open} It’s just filled with cheese.
ME: Happy 10th anniversary babe.
[me, at Hot Topic] ah yes, bring me your hottest topics, my good man
If your husband tells you you’re being too dramatic don’t forget to bow when you thank him.
I don’t know who started the malicious rumour I’m mostly mole but I’m going to keep digging.
I trick people that I know Spanish by quoting fragments of Spanish songs I know, la bamba.
Confusing my 12 year old..
12: Dad, you want to go swimming in the pool?
Me: Dude, it’s friggin pouring out!
12: So???
Me: I don’t wanna get wet…
12: Ummmmm… WHAT?!
Why would I want a vehicle that seats 8 people? I don’t even like 8 people.
“so u have no idea what started the fire” the fireman looks at me. i shake my head no. i nervously fidget with my recipe for a thrice baked potato behind my back
Toasters are just Jack in the Boxes for adults.
I know we will never have another revolution in this country because every Chinese food place in my town has at least one review that says “this is the fifth time I ordered from this place and every time it was terrible”
8yo me: i wanta be a paleontologist when i grow up
28yo me: (sifting through cat litter) oh look, a quarter!
[Giving my eulogy]
GIRLFRIEND: He was beloved for his many funny tweets, such as,
*Scrolling**Scrolling*
*Scrolling*
*Very slight chuckle*
*Scrolling*
Okay I actually don’t see any I like but he talked about it a lot, so I assume he was good.