Lmaooo she has seen it allπππππππππππ
You Might Also Like
when I see an attractive girl in a long over coat I like to imagine she has a lot of watches for sale under there
satan: welcome
me: this isnt so ba-
satan: put these on
me: are…are those jeans that didnt totally dry in the dryer
satan: enjoy
me: noooo
god: [looking down at earth] let me see your binoculars for a sec
angel: [perspiring freely] promise you wonβt get mad
Maybe having my husband talk to my son about how he shouldn’t be running a fantasy football league with his friends at school was a bad idea because my husband’s first question was, “What’s the buy in?”
Only 10 more days til Halloween!
The only thing more predictable than the conspiracy theories is some people’s inability to distinguish Indonesia from Malaysia. #AirAsia
wife: You’re home early
me [hugging the dog] I had to see you
Pro tip: Make sure your email to the HR lady doesnβt say she seems too busty to handle your issues
When I hear the phrase “Freudian slip” I immediately imagine Sigmund in a revealing, yet tasteful nightgown. That can’t be healthy.
I need a new salt grinder but I need one full of just Xanax because salt is bad for you.
“Kids, part of my comprehensive zombie apocalypse plan are these Tshirts to keep up with each other”
“Daddy, why do ours say appetizer?”
I had kids because a job negotiating with terrorists just didnβt sound challenging enough.
Pretty sure my refrigerator is having sex with itself from all the noises its making.
Actually, you don’t need to buy a woman a whole bouquet of kittens. A lot of the time a single long stem kitten is all she really wants.
It’s curious how kids are always *really* hungry right before dinner and right after dinner, but never during actual dinner.
a firefly accidentally calling one of the stars in the night sky “mom” lol like how embarassing
just seen a tiktok where this girl asked her bf for pads with wings so he got her pads & 36 chicken wings π
itβs dangerous to go alone, take this
Why do they call it βbook clubβ and not βno one had time to read it but weβre still gonna get together and drink clubβ
Kids today have it easy!
In the old days, before smartphones & Instagram, by the time we finished the painting, our food was already cold.
I’ve had a bag of bolts on my desk for a week, and I can’t for the life of me remember what they’re for.
Me: I need to finish the semester strong
Friend: hey
Me: u right, I should skip class tomorrow
Sagittarius: A bad situation gets worse this week when your family refuses to pay the ransom.
Just a reminder that a Cheesecake Factory menu counts as summer reading for your kids.
5: Grandma told me a secret.
Me: Grandma knows you arenβt supposed to keep secrets from Mommy.
5: Ok, Iβll tell you. She said you make the worst food ever.
Me: I have a few secrets to tell you about Grandma.
Nothing confuses me more than vegan mascara. Who is eating mascara?
Me: One of us drank the last cup of coffee and there isnβt any more.
Partner: One of us?
Me: I wasnβt going to mention names because that wonβt solve anything.
Wifi so slow at my parentβs house that we actually got to know each other better.
Tree:
Tree Doctor: it’s a Tree house
Tree: oh no
Tree Doctor: you have humans
[War of 1812]
American: Let’s invade the British North.
Other American: Upper or Lower Canada?
A: idgaf
LATER: