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Just slung my bra off & threw it to the other side of the couch where there are already 2 other bras. If my math is right, it’s Wednesday.
Do robots dream of electric sheep?
girlfriend: promise you won’t do anything weird
me: ok
[later at the funeral]
me: [to the tune of my sharona] m-m-m-my condolence
*First day as a spy*
Boss: Did you bug the Russian Embassy?
*flashback to me ringing the doorbell and running away over & over*
Me: Ohhh yeh
[googles “camaflage spiders”]
-no results-
phew.
wait…
[googles “camouflage spiders”]
-11,345,453 results-
motherf
Waitress: Would you like an omelet?
Me: Sure. Put it in a martini glass with gin and no eggs…
Halloween costumes
Age 10: monster
Age 25: sexy fireman
Age 35: sexy mobilization to end systematic oppression of underrepresented groups
Today I learned my laser pointer can go all the way to the bar across the street.
Drunk people still think there’s a sniper somewhere.
Hey! This isn’t my car!
I’m not above selling your kidney or my oldest child for a phone charger. I mean, if it came down to it. Not just like for fun.
*jogging*
Me: *out of breath* go on I’ll catch up
Him: *turns around to see me eating a can of cherry pie filling*
The older you get the only functions you attend are bodily..
A lizard fell on my hand as I opening the window… now I have to explain why there was a young lady screaming in my room 👀
The whole problem with the world is that fools and fanatics are always so certain of themselves, and wiser people so full of intoxicants.
Remember that the most popular man in the village was its idiot.
Husband: *opens jar of salsa*
Me: That looks like my period
Wife: We’re going to have a baby!
Friend: Wow congrats! Are you going to find out what it is?
Me: I already googled and it’s a very tiny human
Guess I missed the memo on National ‘bring your camel toe to work’ day.
A guy I know was flirting with the cashier, and she ignored him. When he said “How about a thank you?” She leaned toward him, and said “It’s printed on your receipt.”
This peach margarita tastes like I’m not working out today
*quietly tries to open a bag of chips while son walks around looking for his bag of chips*
Cyber Monday but instead of buying more stuff, I get rid of it by putting it in Amazon boxes on my porch and let it get stolen
This girl just said, “You know that feeling you get when you really really like someone?” and I was all like, “Nope.” and walked away.
I hate when people refer to some tv shows or snacks as “guilty pleasures.” You shouldn’t feel guilty based on what you’re eating or watching. You should feel guilty all the time.
math teacher: I said to bring your protractor to class
boy with cowboy hat: I’m just a good old fashioned country boy, I ain’t need nothin fancy, this simple tractor should do the job just fine ma’am
5-year-old: Can I borrow a dollar?
Me: You don’t have a job. How will you pay me back?
5:
Me:
5: I’ll borrow another dollar.
Nothing worse than talking to a person with a large amount of spit in their mouth that talks really fast. HOLY SHIT…My glasses r ruined
Kylo Ren was more powerful with his helmet on. With it off, he had to use a majority of his power to maintain his hair’s body and bounce.
Everyone compliments the jumpsuit when you wear it out—but when you get to the bathroom it’s just you and your choices
That thing in video games where you have a great item so you hold onto it but never end up using it? Thats me with fruit.