😂😂😂
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I’m bored. I’m going to text my ex boyfriends and say “I have to talk to you, it’s important” and then not answer the phone for 6 days.
“Operator, run this licence plate please
Echo Alpha Tango
Alpha
Delta India Charlie Kilo”– Me, if I was a cop on the day I got fired.
“Is that a banana in your pocket or…a dead banana?” -Schrödinger
I can’t go on anymore dates so if you all could just decide amongst yourselves who’s stuck with me that would be great
People are having sex, kissing, and cuddling right now and you are reading this….. trust me I’m not happy about this either🙄🙄🙄
I tell my boyfriend I love him all the time and all he says are things like “make a left in 300 feet” and “you’ve reached your destination.”
Two wolves ? more like a hyena carcass and a dust bunny.
Dentist: it’s really crowded in your mouth, we’ll have to make space
Me: *spitting jolly ranchers into cup* guess I’ll save these for later
I have an eating disorder. I’m about to eat dis order of pizza, dis order of fries and dis order of nuggets.
About to shave my legs let me know if anyone is interested in buying extensions
My daughter came downstairs an hour earlier than normal this morning and caught me hiding eggs. I had no choice but to tell her the truth: I woke up early to steal the candy that the Easter Bunny had left her.
Marriage advice from my Dad: “Leaps of faith are part of every relationship. I go to sleep every night long before your Mom does, trusting that she will not steal my Peanut Chews.”
20s: I’m on top of the world!
50s: stop the world I want to get off!
went to kiss a girl last night and her eyes rolled back and her head floated off her shoulders body burst into flames i am a bad kisser
Give a man a fish & he’ll eat for a day. give a fish a man & you appease the Fish-lord who’s terrorized coastal communities.But at what cost
Crucifixion art is so depressing. Every time I look at Jesus, I can’t help thinking…I’ll never have abs like that.
I just want a girl that’s nice and sweet that doesn’t require a lot of money and I can dunk them in milk wait, a cookie, I want a cookie
My daughter asked me what a colonoscopy was so I gave her an honest answer. She learned about colonoscopies and I learned I need to be less honest.
I don’t think my wife realizes that the FREE SEX coupons I gave her last Valentine’s Day are about to expire.
Rome fell because it was run by idiots who used letters as numbers.
There’s 2 types of people in this world, the people that use birth control and the people that step on Legos at 3am.
Her: Do you like Disney?
Me (trying to flirt): I like both knees.
My standards in my 20’s- brooding & poetic
30’s tall, nice smile, secure job
40’s – hmm I bet that shouty homeless guy would clean up nice
hitman: who am I killing?
dog: ever hear of a guy named pavlov?
hitman: rings a bell
dog: that’s right
If I hear someone crying I immediately cry louder to establish myself as the dominant sad person in the room
Today we pretended we were dining out and it felt so real because right after the first bite my kids decided to go potty
date: i love a guy who isn’t afraid to curse during sex
[later]
me: *yelling* avada kedavra
Job interview…
Interviewer “On your CV, it says that you are a man of mystery.”
“That’s correct.”
“Would you like to elaborate?”
“No.”
FYI a woman in Italy told me it’s healthy to eat pasta every day as long as you only eat lasagna on the weekends I am seeking no further nutrition opinions at this time
Just accidentally spilled my cat’s food all over the floor and his reaction was…. a lot 😂