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Hate it when I tell a guy something deeply intimate and personal and he’s all, “Ma’am, does that complete your order?”
I think abs are for guys that don’t have the confidence to wear a nice T-shirt to the pool.
[david attenborough voice] wolves, also known as nature’s best animal, have been cool for hundreds of thousands of years
Kill them with kindness, you say?
*slowly and sadly puts down bazooka*
Wonder why we didn’t get blimp sky view coverage of game.
FBI: oops wrong one
Teens are like the Magic 8ball of humans, they think they have all the answers & you want to shake them because what they said was stupid.
I know karate and tons of other words.
What my neighbors thought of me after they moved in:
1. She’s eating cake
2. She’s eating chips
3. She’s eating cake again
4. She’s dipping chips in the cake
but your honor, i said “lol” afterwards
Millennials urban dictionary everything… I come from a time when the thesaurus roamed the earth.
How many virgins do I get from dying of embarrassment? Does anyone know?
*forgets to bring grocery list to the store*
I can handle this…
*comes home with cheese and bath salts*
Nailed it.
Came downstairs to watch the game and the channel had changed. Looked at the dog, he looked back, then slowly slid his paw off the remote.
[Boss’ office]
“You’re late AGAIN.”
Drove back for my phone.
“Why do need it at work?”
It’s all I do.
“WHAT?”
I said, IT’S NICE TO SEE YOU.
Nephew: What’s love?
Me: Well, all the women text you except the one you like. And it hurts, so we drink.
Sister: Get away from him!
Go home, Twitter. You’re drunk.
All Your Eggs in One Basket would be a lovely name for an only child
I’m the CEO of Boeing and I’ve been screwing up the planes on purpose. People were never meant to fly and I got tired of waiting for the gods to punish humanity for its hubris.
The doctor said to treat my daughter’s scratch with alcohol, so I kissed it.
Husband: Why are you so grumpy?
Me: I’m not grumpy.
My face:
I’m sorry your eyebrows look like two unruly caterpillars chasing each other across your forehead.
I asked my doctor if I’m healthy enough for sex and he told me I’m not even sexy enough for health.
[train]
GUY: Please take my seat.
ME: *adjusts pillow in my top to feign pregnancy* Thank you.
GUY: How far along are you?
ME: 5 stops.
“You’ve lost some weight.” sounds suspiciously like “You were a disgusting fatso before, but I was too nice to say so.”.
Back in my day a “selfie,” was something you did with the door locked and a bottle of lotion.
Avoid getting crumbs in your bed by eating in your kid’s bed.
My office computer just crashed and now all the other computers have slowed down so they can see whats happening.
me refusing to leave twitter
“I gave your number to everyone on the playground so that their parents can call you for play dates whenever they want”
-my son casually threatening me as I tuck him into bed-
the gender neutral urge to point out a cow while on a road trip