🤣😈🤣
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I like to tell my husband “this marriage ends in death” and let him interpret that however he wants.
I just saw a woman outside sitting alone on a bench and staring at nothing and it made me so sad. I wonder what happened to her phone?
“I only look sexy in contrast to a toilet” – People who bathroom selfie
Popular misconception: women brag about designer clothing. Most women I know whisper “This was $7 at TJ Maxx” or “I grabbed the wrong bag at LAX and two hitmen are chasing me, but look, free romper.”
Jumped over a puddle with an accidentally flamboyant step today, if anyone’s currently casting a production of “West Side Story.”
Trump’s gonna be sooo mad when he finds out that China realized building a Great Wall didn’t keep foreigners out 400 years before he did.
i am about to burn down everything cryptocurrency related
girls don’t like boys who are punctual..
once this girl dumped me because i came early
I stopped eating my feelings a few months ago and holy shit do I have a lot of them here now
Lucky for them, they’re cute
My neighbor just told me “I’m going on a date with a new guy tonight. I think he’s in a cult. Still better than the biter.” Every married person should have a single friend who’s still on the apps, the divorce rate would approach zero
Guy at the Apple store suggested I turn off my phone once a week, so I slapped his face and ran out of the store crying.
If stores want to accurately display clothes for people over 40 the mannequins should be laying on a couch after 5PM.
Me: *paddles kayak in circles until someone comes out to help me*
Them: You need some help out here?
Me: Can you bring me a beer?
“hush little baby” is my favorite lullaby that teaches infants about rampant consumerism
Padmé: Dating is scaring. I just want to find a nice guy who’s not going to murder me.
Anakin: You’ve chosen wisely.
What do you mean 100 іsn’t a perfect credіt score
A mother bear defending her cubs but it’s me defending the fresh pan of bacon from other hotel guests at the breakfast buffet.
[House Hunters]:
Hi I’m a tree enthusiast and my partner collects stamps. Our budget is 6 million dollars
Nothing makes me more stabby than when my husband ignores me and starts talking to the dog.
[guy about to invent monopoly]
*looking at friends* i have too many of these
Fun fact: If Celine Dion sang only the vowels in her name, it would be the lyrics to Old McDonalds Farm.
My kid’s wish list at age 6: An adorably misspelled handwritten request for toys
My kid’s wish list at age 14: A professionally designed slideshow with links to big-ticket items that ends with the phrase “open your hearts and your wallets”
Whenever I’ve fallen out with a member of my family I get revenge by aggressively making them tea with my least favourite teaspoon.
I can’t convince the kids to come for dinner yet my husband convinced them he can do backflips, but only in his backflip pants, which he has misplaced.
why aren’t GMOs called faking an organism
I discovered my 91-year-old Dad wearing blue surgical gloves while he ate.
Me: Uh, Dad, what are you doing?
Dad: Chicken wings are so slippery everyone should wear gloves.
the group chat when I ask who’s available to play next week
My wife and I decided not to have kids. The kids are taking it pretty hard.
“The toilet’s blocked pretty bad so I called the plumber. Should be here later tod-”
[Bowser spits coffee]
“Which plumber?”