🤣😭 I done ate 22 times and took 13 naps and it’s still today
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To be fair, “old-fashioned” doesn’t necessarily mean racist; it could also mean sexist.
[watching The Brady Bunch before kids] Why would a stay-at-home mom need a live-in maid?
[after kids] Holy crap I need three live-in maids.
Me: Good morning. Allow me to sprinkle some positivity on this gloomy Monday morning.
HR: You can’t just throw glitter at people.
“I’m married to a raving lunatic.”
– Actual quote from my husband, yesterday, confiding in our neighbor’s golden retreiver.Joke’s on him. That dog tells me everything.
I cannot wear white, things like cereal, soup and pens randomly attack me.
Agent school must be stressful when you have to decide whether to go the “insurance” or “secret” route.
ME: I’m so happy, I could treat a horse!
WIFE: *sighs* That’s not a saying
[spoon-feeding ice cream to horse] Don’t listen to her Mr Butters
I had children for two reasons; I wanted to start a loving family, and I needed a quick excuse to leave things.
My eyelashes are like windshield wipers on my sunglasses.
I remember when yoga was called Twister.
Y’all ever rage clean your kids’ toys so hard that whoever goes to Goodwill next week is going to hit the Jackpot?
the next time u see a fork in the road, just try to remeber that at least, no mater wat u did, u werent the person who tried to eat the road
I cannot picture a single instance where I’d be scared of a zombie called “Rob”
What’s he gonna do? Show up uninvited to brunch and make us wonder if he’ll be rude to the server again?
Ok fella, maybe you can scare me into buying your over priced insurance policies this time.
ME: This is my newborn, straight from the hospital.
OTHER PARENT: You’re parenting wrong.
Pinocchio would have been a way crazier story if he were a swordfish
So bored I just logged into my LinkedIn account.
Angry drunks make no sense to me, I can only get upset when I’m not drinking.
“Never Gonna Give You Up” came on the radio & my 6yo confidently said, “I know who sings this!” Believing I had taught him well, my proud moment lasted 2 seconds until my son revealed his answer of Yung Gravy.
me: babe come quick
wife: what?
me: just hurry
wife: no, it’s always something dumb
me: not this time
*wife walks into living room*
me: i put the dog in a suit
wife: i want a divorce
me: k but my lawyer’s a ruff negotiator
Prisoner:*strapped into chair* Flip the switch & fry me.
Guard: Oh, we’re not electrocuting you…
*college kid w/ acoustic guitar walks in*
Me texting friend: Hey! What’s up?
Buddy: *sends picture of ceiling*
Me: I am so glad I didn’t ask “how’s it hanging”
Piñatas give kids unrealistic expectations of how much candy spills out of a donkey when you split one open
How I read news articles:
1. Read the headline
2. Go directly to the comment section
3. Have a meltdown
Overdraft fees should be illegal. Simply block the payment if there are insufficient funds. Why is that hard?
Vodka burrito was a success
[first date]
HER: I like classic cars
ME: ugh do not get me started on the sequels
the era of facebook check-ins was nothing but toxic chaos for our friendships. like what do you mean you’re at cvs without me.
I wanted to make my apartment feel more like a hotel, so I charged myself $40 for a cheese plate and watched the second half of Gladiator
unlike drugs, twitter addiction won’t cost you anything, except your social life
[cuddling w/ 5 yr old son]
I hope he wants to do this forever
[25 yrs later]
this has lost its charm