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It was the third time that summer they’d dug up her garden, and Barbara decided it was time to send the bunnies a message.
People often act like they don’t hear something that is too awful to contemplate which explains the silence I get when I tell someone I like them.
[unleashes dog at dog park]
me: don’t embarrass me now
dog: i won’t*sees pretty girl*
me: hi, i’m–
dog: he drinks wine through a straw
Grocery shopping before Christmas is a nightmare… My gallon of milk expired while I was waiting in line….
Hot guy just walked up to me and said I was pretty so naturally I pulled out a Sharpie and drew a star on his forehead.
the first thing you learn to draw in art school is money from your parents bank account
Why yes, person on the Internet, I would love to make $596 per day sitting at home. Let’s do this!!!
Vandalism should be allowed on any vehicle who’s alarm has been going off for more than 5 minutes.
Caterpillar: no legs wtf how do I get around?
God: *wearing bird mask* BOO
Caterpillar: o000ö
God: haha jk it’s just me
Caterpillar: oOOOö
God: SEE YOU’RE DOING IT
I have a tenuous grasp on the English language. Shakespeare? That dude’s grasp on the English language was, like… twelveuous.
me: we have developed a fear of boy bands
wife: at the same time
therapist: in sync?
together: *screams*
I thought toddlers were the most energetic, obsessive, and relentless people on earth. And then someone got mad at me on Facebook.
I can’t stand people who are indirect
You know who you are
“Your gun and your badge. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun.” – Octopus Police Chief
Hot pies in your area want you to snatch them off the windowsill
is there anything more psychotic than the self-imposed deadline. why am i bullying myself then in turn standing up to my bully (who is me) by not doing the work i know i want to get done but i refuse to be bullied (by me) so i will purposefully miss the deadline (that is fake)
It would take a pretty stupid robot to replace me.
#Caturday
scientist: don’t touch anything
me: [licked a petri dish already] got it
…20 minutes later
scientist: did you touch something
me: no
scientist: you’re changing colors just tell me what you touched and i’ll save you
me: [about to die] i didn’t touch anything i swear to god
No horror movie will ever be as scary as the sight of the water going up instead of down when I flush the toilet.
Every so often I remember the gut-wrenching disappointment of 11th grade English when I read enough of The Great Gatsby to find out he was just some thirsty dork instead of a magician
I hate when ppl at the grocery store get mad at you for “stealing” their cart of food. YOU DON’T OWN THIS STUFF YET!!!!!!
I bet there is a Home Alone script where the parents purposely leave for the airport without any of the kids.
Naw, I don’t have jaundice. Just accidentally grabbed the wrong color foundation again.
Boss: You took another 2 hr lunch. Were you drinking?
Me: No
B: Tell me our company policy
M: Lol, I can’t even do that when I’m sober
Pretty woman, the kind that don’t eat meat
Pretty woman, the kind that likes to hug trees
Ohoh what can I do? She’s making me eat vegan food
I’m from the generation when we’re telling a story about our childhood we say “You have to remember, cellphones weren’t around back then.”
Hi everyone, welcome to ventriloquist club! The first rule here is do not talk about ventriloquist club…with your lips moving.
Haha, just a little joke to get us started.
Obviously the first rule is don’t fall in love with your puppet.
My husband and I are having a serious fight.
Do you think I should let him know about it?