🎶Well you can tell by the way I clumsy walk
I’m an awkward girl, don’t wanna talk
Mumble sounds, eyes look down
I’ve been trippin ’round since I was born
And it’s all right, it’s okay
Please just look the other way
🎶
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[pet store]
Me: do you have any marmosets?
Clerk: no we don’t sell—
Me: okay, just one marmo then
None of the parenting books said ANYTHING about having to relearn chemistry at 10 PM.
If you’re feeling bad about yourself just know that today I awkwardly asked a cashier what they did for a living.
As a child I had a medical condition that meant I had to eat soil 3 times a day in order to survive. Lucky my older brother told me about it
[picks up date]
*slides over hood of car* *slides off car onto another car* *slides off that one onto another car* *date looks at her watch*
Me: [watching news]
Child: Why do you watch the news?
Me:
Child:
Me:
Child: I asked-
Me: I’M THINKING
I’m not superstitious enough to pay attention to signs and such, but
The supermarket freezer door that holds the cheesecakes just swung open UNASSISTED, and I just don’t think I should question this one guys!!
Just spent 5 minutes waving my hands in front of a manual paper towel dispenser if anyone needs someone to take their SAT exam for them.
In 2016 I stayed at a hotel that offered “all-day room service starting at 5 p.m.”
Our parents were right all along, the music is too loud.
Olympic athlete: *does something unbelievable*
Announcer: That’s incredible! It’s too bad her father fell down a well 15 years ago
I accidentally bought the “Extra Long Super Pads with Wings” this month and I think that’s why I have dry eyes.
[itsy bitsy spider diary]
Day 47 of my attempt to climb water spout. Weather looks good. Hopeful.
Please keep my 6 year old in your prayers, his sister is copying him.
Therapist: we need to work on YOU taking responsibility for YOUR actions
Me: *pulls a flask out* WHO PUT THIS IN MY PURSE?
Tequila, because sometimes you and your toilet need to hug it out.
A dating app called Unhinged and we just post all out red flags and see if anyone is still interested
The worst thing about dentists is they put that paper bib on you but they never bring you lobster.
What’s up with all these idiots on TV trying to talk to ghosts? I don’t even wanna talk to the living.
*standing outside your house
I was totally going to stalk you but…
*pets your dog instead
{Goes to buy Virgin Airlines ticket}
“Can I buy one even if I’ve done sex?”
Um. Yes sir
“Cause I have”
Okay
“I’ve done all of it”
Please go
Flex on your party guests by requiring a CAPTCHA to flush
It is completely unreasonable that family members are expecting me to remember things like what the names of their kids are.
Preposterous.
“Congrats Lobster Boy, u got the job”
[Lobster Boy goes in for the handshake but cuts his employer’s hand clean off]
Why have an affair when you can so easily ruin your marriage by remodeling the kitchen?
*sends epic tweet*
[no likes 3 hours later]
*waits 2 weeks, sends again*
[no likes 1 day later]
*starts typing*
NSA: dude, let it go
Picks up a package of hotdogs that are oozing grey liquid
Me: these say they have another week
*throws them in the cart*
Q: How do you stop an astronaut’s baby from crying?
A: You rocket!
#HatDadJoke