👃🏻: what are you wearing?
😋: Tide….WITH odor eliminator.
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It’s uncool to be religious. It’s uncool to be atheist. If someone asks what you believe in just say Beyoncé. It’s the only way to be safe.
Friend from college: Hey! You remember that time…
Me: No
TSA AGENT: take off ur shoes please
ME: [hiding counterfeit pokemon cards in my shoes] the dude in front of me said he has a grenade
[shopping on full stomach] bread, eggs, milk
[shopping on empty stomach] cookies, chips, a taco truck, a pizza shop, an ice cream factory
Note to self: Remove “Does anyone else know you’re here?” from list of first date small talk questions.
I took my cat to Build-A-Bear so he could see what’s going to happen to him if he pees on the carpet again.
Parenting little kids is mostly saying “please eat” or “do NOT put that in your mouth”
when it’s the weekend and you stupidly thought you might actually get to sleep in
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[God creating cats]
God: people will wanna hug ’em, but they usually won’t want you to
Toast should never pick a fight with me because I eat toast for breakfast.
You’ll get this gun when you pry it out of my cold dead ow hey give that back
My pet bird bit me so I showed him a picture of a rotisserie chicken
I’m leaving half to the dog for eating what I make & half to the Roomba for cleaning up when I tell it to. Forget the kids.
My boss just choked on a breath mint. It was a tough decision to do the Heimlich maneuver because he really needed that mint.
When a zoo animal dies they always call it “beloved” or a “crowd favorite” like there’s some animal named “Jimmy the zebra everyone hates”
It’s awkward when I have to pull someone aside and point out that my fly is open.
I like big MUTTS & I cannot lie
U other breeders can’t deny
When a dog walks in with a pretty mixed race & spots all on its face it gets PET
Me: it’s about the journey not the destination
Patient: [bleeding out] I want a different ambulance driver
Boss: My door is always open
Me: I know and it makes it really hard for me to leave work early
“The name’s And The Giant Peach. James And The Giant Peach.”
bears
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[accidentally brings blow dryer instead of gun to bank robbery]
teller: WHAT
me: I SAID GIVE ME ALL THE MONEY
teller: WHAT
me: THE MONEY
teller: GOD IT’S HOT IN HERE
“I’m not letting you outside again,” I say to my dog right before I let her outside again.
painter: do you want to put down the burrito while I paint your portrait?
me: absolutely not
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Where on my donor card do I indicate that my organs are not to be used to save anyone who pronounces it “eck-cetera?”
[carrot slice falls on the floor]
Ah well I guess it’s in the trash with you[potato chip falls on the floor]
YOU THOUGHT YOU COULD ESCAPE.
Don’t worry. Artificial intelligence will never replace actual ignorance.
me: *gets down on one knee* will you help me make this tree house into a tree home?
girlfriend : *shouts from the ground* I can’t hear you, why can’t I just come up there?
me: no girls allowed
to get my cat to eat, I tell him about all the hungry cats in Catfrica
There is a hawk following me on my run so now I’m insecure about what I look like and what I smell like