😳😳😳☕️☕️☕️☕️🤪🤪
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Me: You have two options. You can do as you’re told, OR spend time alone in your room.
3: I’m adding another option!
Me: *
*totally unprepared for toddler negotiating skills.
This may be my favorite dog video ever.
12 decided he’s into vinyl, so he got a record player for Christmas. His new name is DJ TURNITDOWN!
Applebee’s boss: You’re fired!
Me: Wha? Why? Is it because I fixed the soup of the day?
AB: No, it’s because you keep saying “Eatin’ good in the neighborhood… if you know what I mean”
M: 😏
AB: Wait, what did you do to the soup?
I do, however, think Starbucks should arrest people who are just pretending to write.
i’m gonna go out on a limb here and say that omg this branch definitely can’t hold my weight and yep i’m going down
I asked my doctor if I need to cancel my birthday party, but she said that’s only for events over 10 people.
If I had a dollar for every time one of my kids said “Mom, you’re not funny”, I could buy a beach house.
And live by myself.
I’ve retired from twitter to devote more time to being an email unsubscriber.
“we want grandchildren” sorry hope you like podcasts
Cashier: And how are you today?
Me: Incandescent with rage. You?
We had 3 kids, I don’t remember their names and they somehow find us even after we move
Pulling up to another car at a stoplight in my 20’s: Turns up music.
Pulling up to another car at a stoplight in my 40’s: Turns down NPR.
Baby rabbits🐰 look like wise old Kung Fu masters.
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Welcome to hipster fights. You can ironically hang your scarves over there. There’s PBR and tacos in the food truck. Don’t enjoy yourself.
I would walk 500 miles
And I would walk 500 more
Just to be the man who
Walked a thousand miles
To throw up on your door
9yo: My best friend is going to be gone for 2 weeks on vacation. It’s going to be the worst.
Me: Well, it gives us the chance to hang out.
9yo: You’re making it worse.
[BANK ROBBERY]
TELLER: The cops have you surrounded.
ROBBER *red dot zeroes in on his chest*: no no NO!
[He’s taken out by dozens of cats]
I requested the number 867-5309 from my cellular provider because I like being annoyed to the point of rage.
“I can’t fall asleep… I think it’s because I’m talking”
– my 5yo, at 3am, not wrong
ad for letuce:
do u- hey do u ever wish u coud eat water
I rolled up my yoga mat absolutely perfectly and if you think I’ll mess that up by working out, then you’re out of your mind.
[AGM of potato mashers]
“Tremendous effort this year, guys. Our overall ‘drawer opening smoothly’ prevention rate was 73%. That’s up 11% on last year, thanks to you big stainless steel bastards, but we can’t be complacent while the scourge of people who hang us on hooks remains”
HER: I wish I lived in the 20s
ME: no u dont
HIM: right bc they had no womens rights
M[was going to say bc they didnt have Netflix]: exactly
Cicadas will full on dominate a conversation and then leave you on read for 17 years.
if Barbie’s elbows or knees bend when she puts on clothes i’m out
I’m starting yoga today and If my body isn’t perfect by noon, I’m quitting.
When angered, the female can text message at speeds of up to 1,600 words per minute.
Pharaohs were buried with their hands crossed over their chest because of the belief there would be countless water slides in the after life.