6 – Dad, why can’t you give princess Elsa a balloon to hold 🎈
Me – Why?
6 – Because she will “Let It Go” 😂
Me – 😢
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Why do porn sites have a share to Google+ option? I don’t want my friends knowing I use Google+
A child will either brush their teeth for 3 seconds or for 15 minutes.
The Facebook emojis are stages of dating-marriage-divorce
I hate when scientists are like “some insects can see colors we can’t.” Like ok? What colors? Quickly.
Gremlins(1984): a shopkeeper with a creature so powerful it could destroy all human life gives it to a 12yo boy. Many lives are lost.(PG13)
Logically the best time to kick someone is when they are down
funeral catering business:
your loss, our gain
Parenthood is so crazy. We’re really out here getting bullied by the people we made.
I used to wave my hands in the air like I just don’t care, but now I just wave them because I get more steps on my FitBit
If you are trading Cephalopods, it’s important that you exchange those that are of equal size and value.
You know….
Squid Pro Quo
*swims up to girl in pool* so do you.. actually this is quite deep jesus *just disappears*
A secretary walks into her boss’s office and says, “Can I use your Dictaphone?”
He says, “No, dial with your finger like everyone else.”
I hope the final frame of Breaking Bad is white text on black background: “None of this would have happened if we had Universal Healthcare.”
I guess my least favorite author is probably Hitler
Her: Has anyone ever told you that you’re a narcissist?
Me: Many times. What can I say? Nobody’s perfect.
Except for me, obviously.
(Scientist: On average, you swallow at least three spiders when you’re sleeping)
Me: That’s the last time I allow scientist to watch me sleep
“Your former crush likes this thing”
“Your former crush likes this thing”
“Your former crush likes this thing”
You know you’re old when the “I’ve fallen and I can’t get up” ads aren’t funny anymore.
[birdwatching]
Ah, let us behold the majesty of the Bald eagle. And let us acknowledge the social awkwardness of the Combover eagle.
*First day as a forest ranger*
Me: *using radio* I found a badly mangled buck out here
Boss: That means there’s a bear nearby
Me: Yep *narrows eyes* and it hates money
me: babe get your finger measured
her: [hopeful] is it for what i think it is?
me: [ordering custom puppets] you’ll see
Instead of a pre-workout protein shake I have mashed potatoes and gravy, and instead of working out I have mashed potatoes and gravy.
Love is in the air fryer.
My wife is still mad about the time I seductively went under the covers…slid off the end of the bed…and then army crawled out of the bedroom.
A foreign kid asked me how to speak English the other day, so I teached him some.
Me: it’s cold and wet.
Wipers: want me to smear the rain all over so you can’t see?
Me: n-no.
Defroster: I’ll fog every window in this car.
Me: why?
Windshield: here’s a small spot above the steering wheel to look through.
Me:
Windshield: I’m gonna need you to hunch over.
Am I the only one who wonders why the Flintstones celebrate Christmas.
My hot pink mouth is wide open for you, sugar.
Donut: ….
Am I the only one who was a kid in the 80’s that thought I would have more life challenges dealing with quicksand and lava?
An increasingly frustrated ax murderer making throat clearing sounds outside my window as I’m splayed on the couch drinking Cheeto crumbs