If Optimus Prime led a Transformers symphony, would he be a semi conductor?
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Me: I named you kids after my favorite Pearl Jam songs
Jeremy: That’s really cool dad
Elderly Woman Behind the Counter in a Small Town: It’s not, actually
Aw cool firepit!
Me: Thanks! It’s for destroying evidence 🥰
Yeah, conservatives. I will marry a dog. I’ll marry 12 dogs. I’m a dog mormon now.
It wasn’t no corona till y’all started balancing brooms in the house, y’all let the devil in
I don’t delete my bad tweets because why should I suffer alone.
Me: I read this great article today.
Wife: About what?
Me: The effects of aging on the brain.
Wife: Cool. Send me a link.
Me: To what?
Shout out to hotel maids changing sheets on February 15th.
Don’t pay your taxes. Get sent to a cool ass prison. Boom, now taxes pay you. Life hack.
Mugger: Give me your wallet and… is that a Rolex?
Me: It’s a fake.
Mugger: What about her diamond ring. Is that fake?
Me: *nervously look at my wife* No, no. That’s 100% real…
Have you ever felt like something was touching your face at night? Don’t you worry. It’s just a MOTH, DRINKING YOUR TEARS WHILE YOU SLEEP.
“Susan, will you marry me?”
“Oh yes Johnny, yes! Yes!”
Ten grand later and it’s still the best prank I ever pulled on my twin brother.
There is so much beef on Twitter it’s impossible to stay vegan
Those turkeys presidents pardon? HUGE campaign donors.
I really wanna cuddle a great big bear but the biggest shame is that I’ll probably only get to do it the once.
Try not to put yourself in a position where you have to say “I’m not actually a Nazi”
all of my toiletries are chosen based on clearance sales, “Oh, you’re a Irish Spring man” no I’m a 3 for $5 man
[halftime]
Coach: Okay men we’re literally losing at basketball to a dog… any ideas?
-I have one.
*pulls out vacuum with a jersey on*
Baby Dinosaur: Mama, are we born just to die?
Dinosaur: No, baby. One day we’ll also become toxic fuels for idiot meat robots
3 wishes for when I find a genie:
1. The more I eat the skinnier I get
2. One kid grows up to be a pharmacist
3. Other kid owns a winery
god: ..and this part is your crust
earth: i’m a pizza 🙂
god: no that’s-
earth: everybody loves pizza 😀
god: but
earth: i’ll be treated so good forever and ever :’)
god: [deep breath in] here’s the thing
[at the doctors]
me: *opens wide and goes ahh*
proctologist: how the hell r u doing that?
If I wasn’t supposed to have vodka for breakfast they shouldn’t have made it taste so good with orange juice.
The person who figures out how to marry someone without marrying their family too, will win the Nobel Peace Prize
Dr: it looks like you’ve contracted sumatta
Me: what is that?
Dr: what is what?
Me: sumatta
Dr [grits teeth]: say it together
“When god closes a door, he opens a window”
Murder Hornets: Awesome!
Alarms are for people without children or puppies
Lois Lane was fired from the Daily Planet after she knocked Clark Kent’s glasses off and then panicked thinking a plane was in the building.
[army training]
Sergeant: dude you gotta stop crying
Me, sobbing uncontrollably: this is torture
Sergeant: everyone has to make their own bed
I got 3 looks. And that’s it. I got a teacher look, a mom look, and a raccoon that got into the dumpster behind Chipotle and passed out after eating too much look.