eats a dozen doughnuts…
*checks for flabs*
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Me standing next to random car making phone call, Swiss policeman arrives,
“You cannot park there”
“It’s not my car”
“You have to move it”
“It’s not my car”
“Move it or get a fine”
“It’s not my car”
Policeman writes ticket,
“I did warn you”“It’s not my car”
The dietitian told me peanut butter is healthy if I eat it with something low-calorie, so I chose a spoon.
LONELY OPTIMUS PRIME: *hires a ford escort service*
“Crunchy” peanut butter is just peanut butter that gave up in the process.
Don’t be like crunchy peanut butter.
doctor: i’m afraid i have some bad news
me: better than having fox news 😉
doctor: hahahaha 🙂
me: i’ll be here all week haha 🙂
doctor: haha give or take
My mom asked me a question and when I went to answer she said, “Hold on I can’t hear you. I gotta turn on the light.” The dark was too loud?
OMG my brother in law, the gift that never stops giving, was tired of being sent to get rice every day so he decided buy in bulk, talked to the shop about it, wires got crossed, now there is a literal TRUCK FILLED WITH RICE outside the house and my sister is losing her shit lmfao
Someone gave me a gift and I just found it on a Gifts for Grandma list. This hurts.
I put my laptop in incognito mode but it still has “DELL” written on its lid in big letters, so it obviously hasn’t worked.
It’s the weekend; time to get my nopes up.
My 4 year old niece won’t eat the grilled cheese I just made her because it looks funny. Kinda choosy for someone that just ate a crayon.
turned my music down and some guy in traffic yelled out THANK YOU
waiter: would you like a table?
me: yes, the multiplication please
10-year-old: What’s it like to be old?
Me: I don’t know. I’m still young and spry.
10: What’s it like to live in denial?
Me: how much for the seal Dracula
Zoo keeper: that’s a walrus
i love having one cat who is an incredibly beautiful tragic princèss and one cat who is just like WGGLLBBYLAAAHHH
Needed to buy a tarp and a saw so I threw in a paintbrush so the cashier would think more home project and less murder
If you drop a peanut in a shag rug forget it, let it go.
I love kids…But stop making me hold your baby. Why are you letting people touch your new born?!?
I don’t let people touch my new iPhone
If Christian Bale has never cancelled a date and said “sorry to Bale on you” then I don’t think he is living life to the fullest.
Mom is now sending me pictures of her lasagna and the recipe she apparently found in a sunken pirate ship.
One day a guy named Matt banged a waitress and nine months later a mattress was born haha just messin around on this website.
Look, just because Jeff Bezos looks like Lex Luthor & acts like Lex Luthor, doesn’t…uh oh.
me: i’m going to buy the box of snack size bags of chips so i don’t eat so many calories
also me: [eats 32 snack size bags of chips in one sitting] well this didn’t work out.
It has been proven that Australians watch TV more than any other appliance.
My 7 year old: *staring at my face*
Me: What is it, sweetie?
My 7 year old: Is my nose weird, too?
Kids are delightful.
Personal trainer: So what’s your goal?
Me: I wanna look good in pictures that I’m not taking myself!!
”You can’t outsmart me! I know what you’re up to” I say to my cat. I lie
I mentioned to my wife that her lingerie is quite revealing…
and she replied, “Well, then wear your own!”
All of Ariel’s mer-sisters’ names started with A too. More like keeping up with the Karsplashians.