Watching all these killer whales attacking boats is giving me an orcasm. I’m sorry.
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Hitman: *rummaging through my house looking for me*
Me, studied abroad:
Hitman: This reminds me of when I was in Barcelona
Me, studied abroad: ACTUALLY I STUDIED ABROAD IN BARTH-
After 12 years of marriage we no longer spoon. We chopstick.
Ma’am…we’re going to have to ask you to get off of the table.
Ma’am…
(me, trying to cuddle with my bacon cheese fries)
Just took my 3 dogs to the vet, so the family will be feasting on ramen noodles, beans, and no name chips for the next few months. At least the dogs are taken care of.
What idiot called them “cannibals” and not “humanitarians”?
[1st day as judge]
Murderer: [waves at me]
Me [waves back]: He seems nice
Lawyer: He killed six people
Me: He probably didn’t mean it
*burglar breaks in*
*i reach into my nightstand drawer, get my phone, & take his picture*
Burglar: No I have a double chin!
Me: I’ll post it
In a hotel room. The dog’s growling and whimpering. My wife’s worried the neighbours will think we’re having sex.
why pay a therapist to pinpoint your flaws when people on Twitter will tell you for free
The Assassin.
He said ‘send nudes’ and my first thought was ‘ugh, I just sat down.’
the hotdog are finally returning to the pastures. the earth is healing. we are the virus
Cake!!
I really want to be a girl who wears black lipstick, but when I try to wear it, I just look like I’ve consumed a lot of oreos, which is not necessarily untrue, but also not the look I’m going for.
“At your cervix, m’lady”
– me as an OBGYN and also just me
My godmother just saw my tweet about sending naked pictures, and she was so excited she posted it to Facebook and tagged my parents. What a time to be alive.
*stable*
Me: that one
Stable hand: ah careful ridin her, she used to belong to an old knight
M: ok
*Horse goes 2 steps forward & 1 left*
WTF
Will I understand F-35 if I haven’t seen F-1 thru F-34?
Friend: *opening his front door* Oh, it’s you. But the dinner party is tomorrow
Me: It’s ok. I’ll wait
After 9 months and 347 pics of you being pregnant you REALLY only need to post one pic of the baby as proof.
We believe you.
I watch medical dramas that are about 5% medicine and 95% drama and I call it studying
Alternate universe where all appearances of the word “lil” in rappers names have to be replaced with the word “teensy weensy”
I learned the hard way that it’s a bad idea to pull down your pants and moon someone if you know they’re a werewolf.
My schedule in my 20s revolved around kids’ feeding, baths, and diapering. My schedule in my 30s revolved around kids’ school and activities. My schedule in my 40s revolves around my bladder.
Sharks don’t like the taste of human flesh, which must mean they are drama queens who only eat people for attention.
I’m awake but I object,
Hide and seek but only they forget to look for you.
Them:
Me: damn I picked a good spot.
ME: Excuse me…Where’s the rowing boat equipment?
EMPLOYEE: Keep going down there, Oar Aisle.
ME:
EMPLOYEE:
ME:
EMPLOYEE:
ME: Or you’ll what?
When people say they want to give a voice to the voiceless I say like a ventriloquist?
The problem with studying ancient Chinese art is I want some Mexican art a half an hour later.