A drone, but for seeing which fast food drive-thrus have the shortest line
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“Dad, can I go to the renaissance festival?”
ME: No, you’re still grounded
“No fair!”
ME: Yes, that’s what I said
Me: Hi, I’d like to make an appointment for a bath.
Petsmart employee: Sure, what’s your dog’s name?
Me: Dog?
Dad: Can I administer my own anesthetic?
Surgeon: Go ahead – knock yourself out.
To find out your cat name, pick any name at random and refuse to answer to it.
Fitness level – too much Popeyes, zero spinach
Husband: Can you ever be serious?
Me *using candy corn as fangs* Yeth.
My wife says I’ve placed unreasonable expectations on our kids, but I think Superman and Wolverine will turn out just fine.
90% of life is just having the courage to show up.
The other 30% is just checking the math.
Whenever I lose my mind, I always look
for it in the refrigerator first
When I’m feeling old, I like to visit my parents so they can push all my buttons until I lose my shit and just like that, I’m 16 again
” Why of course I would like to stop in the middle of this huge task I’m doing to look at pictures of everyone in your huge family opening christmas presents colleague that I barely know”
“WELL ACTUALLY”: a sequel to “LOVE ACTUALLY” about why it’s problematic
Still thinking about a student I had years ago who asked if a paper was due at 4pm or 4am
When some crows unintentionally come together to form a group, that’s called a manslaughter.
Her: You’re so skeptical of everything.
Me: I can’t believe you just said that.
I hope my dog doesn’t turn out weird because she’s being homeschooled.
Things I’ve learned as a mom:
Kiss boo boo’s.
Say I love you a lot.
Snuggle when they ask.
Do laundry daily.
Hide the good snacks.
Qualifications for a job with the Kenyan government.
1. You must be old. Really old…like above 75 years old.
2.The older you’re, the higher your chances.
3. Death is an added advantage.
astronaut: we made it. we’re finally on mars
mission control: congratulations! now, the main reason for this trip: do you see any signs of-
astronaut: *sighs* no, no signs of candy bars
mission control: shit
Pronouns:
He
She
It
You
We
TheyAmateurnouns:
Whoozits
Whatsername
Thingamajig
*vague pointing*
Whatchamacallit
Dudes
STATUS: Using the flashlight on my phone to look for the keys that are in my hand so I can open my car cuz I think I left my phone in there.
Nephew drops my iPad, doesn’t say sorry but proceeds to offer me a biscuit.
His future in Politics is secure.
Went to an outdoor restaurant in the rain once. Took me two hours to finish my soup.
I don’t get why you have to call my wife *librarian ignores me while on phone* “your husband is here trying to check out a book about ramps”
Pundit being interviewed on the BBC re Windsor Castle: “The Queen and Prince Philip would be here when they weren’t elsewhere.” And you can’t argue with that.
4-year-old: What does God smell like?
Me:
4-year-old:
Me: Nachos.
4-year-old: With cheese?
the eldest child I nanny (she’s 5) has a game where she sits us all in a circle and gives us each a coin with a sticker on one. anyways if we flip our coin and it lands sticker-side-up we have to touch the dead bee she keeps under her bed in a tupperware.
whenever god closes a door he opens a window because he’s taking a pretty nasty shit in there.
When I see guys with skinny jeans and skin tight T’s on I pretend they are actual giants who woke up tiny and just had nothing else to wear.
I’m sorry I seasoned you while you were taking a nap.